(VERY tongue in cheek. Deal with it.) Your motorcycle has a reverse gear. You don't kill bugs with your helmet. You installed a cup holder. Your wheels have metal spokes. It takes NO skill to ride. Your motorcycle has more than two headlights. Your motorcycle has a redline below 10,000 RPM. Your motorcycle has a heater. You have to use an intercom to talk to your passenger. Your motorcycle won't wheelie (aka "You Can't Get The Front End Up Without A Crane" Syndrome). The dry weight is greater than 600 lbs. Your motorcycle has a trailer hitch. You have a hardpoint for the attachment of a sidecar. Your motorcycle takes longer than 5 seconds to get to 60mph. Your motorcycle doesn't have a chain. Your motorcycle is more loud than fast. Your seat is right over the rear tire. Your headlight has a shroud. Your tail light has a color dot. You have a cruise control. Black is the only color that accessorizes well. You need more than two people to put it on the center stand. It has a center stand. You installed a sissy bar. Tattoos are required for ownership. Tasseled chaps and vest are the proper dress code for riding. The riding position is perfectly comfortable. Your passenger has a full seat behind you. You got your helmet at a WW II Axis surplus sale. You have a tattoo of your bike. You're the sixth owner in four years. Your wife has a tattoo of your bike. There is a plastic skull over your headlight. Your rearview mirrors are shaped like German iron crosses. Your windshield is three feet wide and four feet tall. Your motorcycle has a 40 channel CB, and a AM-FM Stereo Cassette. You have an antennae on your bike. You paid more than $14,000 for a USED bike! Your seat has springs under it. You have matching studded leather saddlebags. Your helmet has a spike on top of it. Your grandfather rode a bike just like it when he was a young man. Most of your bike's highway time was spent tied down in the back of a pickup truck. Your rear tire has a mud flap. Your riding buddies are named "Skull", "Bone", and "Skeeter". You have more than 4 reflectors on your bike. You ever had to worry about jack-knifing the trailer that you were towing behind your bike. You got a free logo embossed wallet on a chain promotional when you took delivery of your bike from the dealer. You can't adjust your suspension. Your dog likes to go for rides on it. Your passenger can fall asleep while riding. Your spark plug caps light up. You have to turn your headlight on manually. Your engine isn't liquid cooled. Your air cleaner rattles and shakes when you twist the throttle. You have floor boards instead of foot pegs. You have six cylinders, six carburetors, and still can't get down the quarter mile in less than twelve and a half seconds. Your bike has more colored lights than a Christmas tree. Your engine size is measured in cubic inches instead of CC's. You ever bought or installed billet aluminum accessories for your bike. Magazine ads for your bike feature bearded overweight older men with odious personal habits and a fetish for leather and chains. The head mechanic at your dealer has both arms covered in tattoos and answers only to the name of "Snake Daddy." The name of your motorcycle includes any of the following words "Heritage", "Classic", "Vintage", "King", "Glide", "Tourer", "Retro", "Road", "Highway", "Dyna", "Ultra", "Springer", "Soft", "Hard", "Tail", or "Star". No one looks at you funny when you ride into a truck stop. The same people who built your bike just introduced their own line of cigarettes. The only instrumentation on your bike is a big fat speedometer that goes all the way up to 85 mph. The name of your bike doesn't include a capital R somewhere in it. You ever installed highway cruising pegs. The dealership where you bought your bike is not a place you would take your children. The dealer offers a line of black leather accessories for your model. You bought it because you thought that others would think you were bad. People lock their doors when you pull up next to them at an intersection. You paid good money to have someone pin-stripe it. At idle, your pipes are louder than the stereo in the low-rider next to you. You installed a windshield that raises and lowers electronically. You just spent three hours polishing chrome and one hour riding. Your engine has less than four valves per cylinder. You can ride it on and off the street. The ignition key goes in on the side. Your bike has any kind of mural or artwork on it. Your exhaust pipes have fins on the tips. You have to kick-start your engine. You have your nickname or CB handle etched into your windshield. Your engine has case crash guards installed. It has a trunk. It has more than two wheels and is street driven. The Shriner's Parade has bikes like yours. A aftermarket company offers a trike conversion kit for your particular model. Your speedometer is located in the top of your gas tank. Your motorcycle has more than 40 pounds of chrome on it. People can hear you riding from two miles away, with the factory pipes. Your motorcycle has parts from more than five different models, from the factory! The company you bought your motorcycle from makes more money from selling logo T-shirts and wallets on a chain than they do from selling motorcycles. The Japanese build a better model. You can crank your bike without the key being in the ignition! Your bike is in the dealer for factory work more often than its on the road. You had to wait for a year on a waiting list just to get your bike and / or pay a non-refundable deposit. The angle and position of your handlebars keeps your hands higher than your shoulders when you ride Truck drivers and Waffle House waitresses like it. Your brand new bike wouldn't even crank at the dealer. You have to put both feet on the ground when you stop. You have tassels hanging anywhere from your bike. Your ass is less than 2 feet off the ground when you ride. Your quarter mile times are greater than twelve and a half seconds. Your highway pegs keep your legs spread wider than the stirrups at a gynecologist's office. You have over twelve hundred CCs of engine and less than a fifty horsepower. You ever thought about installing a small block Chevy and a Powerglilde. Your bike is brand new from the showroom and still looks like it was made in 1944. You ever dropped your bike on its side and instantly did $400 worth of improvement to it. Your motorcycle was built in Milwaukee.