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You have been Punned!!

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by Tweetster, Jun 25, 2009.


    1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
    The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
    The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

    3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
    'A beer please, and one for the road.'

    6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
    'Does this taste funny to you ?'

    7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
    'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
    'Is it common ?'
    'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

    8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
    Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
    'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
    'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

    9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
    The kids were nothing to look at either.

    10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

    12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
    The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

    13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

    14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
    A fsh.

    15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
    One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

    16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
    It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
    And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
    After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
    'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
    'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

    18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
    One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
    The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
    Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
    Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
    Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

    19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
    Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
    He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
    He suffered from bad breath.
    This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .
    A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
    No pun in ten did.
  2. :LOL: Last one was the best lol
  3. You deserve to be severely pun-ished! :evil:

    And of course you've heard about the vegetarian cannibal?
    He'd only eat swedes...

    Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
    Both crews were marooned.

    Over to you Paul!
  4. :LOL: :LOL:
    Well Done .. Gonna print that one out :wink:
  5. I just had a steak and kidney pie for lunch.

    It was ofally good. :roll:
  6. ....groan!!!....... :p
  7. What’s white, light and sugary, and swings from trees?

    A meringue-utan. :p
  8. A woman went into a bar with a newt perched on her shoulder.
    She ordered a drink for herself and one for the newt.
    “What’s its name?†asked the bartender.
    “Tiny,†replied the woman.
    “Why Tiny?â€
    “Because he’s my newt.†:LOL:
  9. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.


    I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.


    He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.


    Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
  10. Two birds are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?" :roll:
  11. An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I
    don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."

    From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"
  12. :rofl:
  13. An elephant was drinking at a watering hole when a turtle approached.

    The elephant looked at the turtle for a minute and then gave it a swift
    kick. The turtle flew through the air and landed several hundred feet away.

    A zebra standing close by asked, "Why did you kick that turtle?"

    "Well," the elephant replied, "That turtle bit my foot 20 years ago. That was payback."

    "How do you know it was the same turtle?"

    The elephant looked at the zebra a minute and said,
    ."I have turtle recall.":shock:
  14. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


    When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.


    It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.


    If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
  15. A termite walks into a bar and asks: "Where's the bar tender?"
  16. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

    Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.


    When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


    A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
  17. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?


    Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.


    Diarrhea is hereditary.
    It runs in your genes.

  18. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.


    The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.


    Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
  19. can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils?