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What to say to a telemarketer!

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by Removed_User_6, Aug 25, 2005.

  1. A real post from another forum, I thought it was pretty funny.

    One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:

    Me: Hello

    AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....

    Me: Is this AT&T?

    AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

    Me: This is AT&T?

    AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....

    Me: Is this AT&T?

    AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?

    Me: May I ask who is calling?

    AT&T: This is AT&T.

    Me: OK, hold on.

    At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

    Me: Hello?

    AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?

    Me: May I ask who is calling please?

    AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

    Me: Is this AT&T?

    AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

    Me: This is AT&T?

    AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?

    Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

    AT&T: Yes, sir.

    Me: The phone company?

    AT&T: Yes, sir.

    Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

    AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

    Me: I already have a phone.

    AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.

    Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.

    When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

    AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

    Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

    Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

    Me: 7 days a week?

    AT&T: That's right.

    Me: 365 days a year?

    AT&T: Yes, sir.

    Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!! AT&T: We think so!

    Me: That's quite a sum of money!

    AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

    Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a cash advance?

    AT&T: Excuse me?

    Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

    AT&T: What are you talking about?

    Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

    AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

    Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

    AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but....

    Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

    AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....

    Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!?

    AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

    Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

    AT&T: What?

    Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

    AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

    So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food.......

    Supervisor: Mr. Salem?

    Me: Yeth?

    Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

    Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)

    Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

    I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

    Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

    Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

    Me: Thank you.

    I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

    AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

    Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.........

    AT&T: (click) :LOL: :LOL:

    Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them options. I simply tell them Mr Asto is not here right now but would they prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ..... Click............

    Or My Other Favorite... Are you single? Click............
  2. My favourite is - Can I have your personal phone number?...click...:LOL:
  3. Time is too precious for this charade; I just say "I don't participate in surveys and I don't buy things over the phone. Thank you." Click
    THEN I get back to other important pursuits, like :LOL: Netrider!!!!
  4. "I'm a little busy right now, but if you'd like to give me your home phone number, I'll wait until a time that's totally inconvenient and intrusive to you, and I'll call you back."
  5. I recon I had one from Southern Cross communications on the line for nearly 30 minutes one night. I'd had a couple of drinks and was in a strange mood. A heap of fun, but a waste of time
  6. I love it when they ring my place, it gives me great pleasure to practice my Three Stooges routine. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
  7. Bloody telesales!

    If there's a pause when I answer in the evening (ie overseas) I just hang up. My girlfriend just pretends she's deaf and goes 'hello, hello' then hangs up :)

    I've found the best way to deal with door-to-door sales is to just ask straight off when you open the door 'are you selling something?'. It's important to get this in before they start their spiel. Most of them are a bit uncomfortable with this question but eventually they have to answer 'yes' and which point you say 'whatever it is, I'm not interested' and shut the door in their faces :)
  8. I just simply say "I don't approve of telemarketing or phone canvassing. Don't call again" *click*

    Had a fun time with a door-knocker once.

    Jeanette answered the door, and I was in another room. I heard Jeanette say "No, we're not interested" quickly followed by the sales guy saying "You can't say no."

    OK....I can't stand that sorta shit, so I went to the front door and blasted the guy. He was still trying to sell his wares, and it took about 4 times to tell the guy to shove off. The idiot refused to leave until I started pressing for his name. He eventually left.

    15 minutes later the guy returned! I answered the door, and the guy started apologising for coming on too strong with his sales pitch. I told him he should be sorry.

    Then to my surprise......

    "Yeah I am sorry about that. It's just that I was so excited about this great deal where you can......"

    "YOU fcukING IDIOT!!! Don't turn an apology into a sales pitch!"

    At this point I lost it and started threatening him with physical violence while moving towards him. He finally got the hint.

    I detest people like that with a passion.
  9. I'm getting lots from India lately. You can here all these indian people on the phone in the background.

    We get twice as many because my partner has a different sir name.

    As soon as they ask for Mr or Mrs I just hang up. People forget they have that advantage.

    Although do do the "hello, hello, can you here me" thing.

    I do do survey, if I've got a bit of time, because you always wonder where those facts and figures come from.

    Was asked during one of these once what personallty I would have if I was a Visa card, Mastercard, etc.
  10. We have a private number so don't get annoyed by telemarketers. One night our phone rang a few times for 2 rings then nothing.
    An hour later we got a phone call from a telemarketer.
    My first question was "this is a private number how did you get my number?" He avoided th question so I repeated it with a bit more aggression, this happened 3 times before he relented and said they had a raandom number generator which raang numbers at random and it picked our number.
    I then said that I would like them to pay for my telstra bill specifically the component which I pay for having a private number.
    I also bullshitted about the privacy act and their use of random number dialers and their legality and they would be hearing from my solicitor for breaching my privacy.
    I also said that they had better remove our number from their database quick smart.

    Here's my question to you lot, are random number diallers illegal?
  11. Almost forgot!

    Jeanette once had some fun with a telemarketer and myself.

    She sounds young over the phone, so when she answered the phone she was asked if her mum or dad were home. She came running down to the other end of the house, phone outstretched to me, yelling "DAD!! Someone on the phone for you".

    I took the phone and threw her a puzzled look. I answered the phone and got hit with a telemarketer, so I told them to bugger off. Meanwhile Jeanette is rolling on the floor laughing hard.

    She did embarrass a door-knocker once. Our son had answered the door to one, and they were in the process of asking him if his mum and dad were home when Jeanette got to the door. So they asked her the same question instead.

    "Umm....I *am* the mum."

    Apparently the door-knocker went bright red.
  12. I'd imagine legality or otherwise is one thing. Being able to do something about it is another.

    I have no idea if they are illegal here, but just for arguments sake let's say that it is.

    If the tele-marketing company has utilised one, but they are based overseas where it's not illegal, then little can be done about it.
  13. The perils of the global economy. I have been getting a number of calls lately that show on the display on my phone as "Out of Area" Nobody ever picks up the call when I answer it. Am I being stalked?

    Is ASIO bugging my phone?
    Is my number being mistaken for a phone-sex line?
    Or is it that people just don't want to talk to me...

    Answers on a postcard, please.
  14. People, simply request what company they work for (most times its a tele-marketing company sometimes they are the actual company thats trying to peddle their own stuff).

    Then request that this company never ever ever contacts you again no matter what the reason. A breach of this would is considered harrasment under our laws.... Problem solvered....

    Or do what i like to do, let them peddle all sorts of crap to you tell them yea you're excited and sign up... When they get right to the end either admit your pulling their leg and your not actually 18 (how can they prove it), or if your feeling really nasty just tell them nah you just don't feel its a worth while deal anymore.... heheh

    Or what i like to do if they want to send stuff out, I order it, when it arrives ring the company and tell them you didnt order it and request them to send you packaging to send the items back, coz you damn well wont be paying out of your pocket to send something back "you never requested"

    If i want to buy something, I'll go find it and buy it, anyone trying to suck me in and sell stuff, I just like to cost them money, damn leeches.
  15. I let my fax machine chat to them.
  16. lol that too
  17. I just ask them to hang on for a minute and come back a bit later (like 15 minutes).

    A friend of mine blows a whistle into the phone...
  18. I understand that's the automatic call queuer. if you answer, they know theres a live person at that number who might pick up the phone. The machine puts you in the queue for the telemarketer, so that when they a ready for another call, they can call your number and be pretty sure they won't sit there while it rings out.

    My son works at a call centre. Mostly these days he takes incoming calls or makes scheduled calls to people who are expecting it, but for a while he was doing a late shift that involved doing to the septics what the Indians do to us.
  19. Kepp em on line as long as possible. Then say no thanks and hang up. They get the message.

    I had a printer cartridge caller. I asked him for prices for every cartridge I could think of.
    When I exhausted that I asked for discounts on various combinations of ink bottles.
    Finally he put me onto his supervisor. She and I went through all of it again. Finally she caught on and asked me if I was going to buy anything at all. I said no I wasn't. She asked my why was she talking to me. I said I didn't know. She laughed and said goodbye and hung up.

    My missus who heard it all said something along the lines of bastard and mongrel. I don't know what she was on about and didn't ask.

    Try it, good fun.

    And no, thay have not called back.
  20. I remember a time back when I had two Seventh Day Adventist's roll up to my front door and asking me to follow the way of GOD. I simply replied "Well I have met GOD" to my amazement they got all excited and asked where and how I met GOD. I said " If you go down to Phillip Isalnd every October they hold a motor cycle race and GOD is more commonly known as Mick doohan". They didn't say a word, turned around and walked away. my mate and I was in fits of laughter it was so funny toi see their faces when I told them GOD was Mick Doohan.