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What, no Irish jokes????

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by hornet, Mar 17, 2008.

  1. It's St Pat's Day, folks, where are all the Irish jokes?

    Paddy said he didn't need a pocket calculator, because he knew how many pockets he had.....
  2. What do you call an Irish man on the veranda?

    Paddy O'Furniture
  3. Today IS an Irish joke.

  4. Why are Irish jokes so simple?

    So the English can understand them! :LOL:
  5. A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.â€

    The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

    Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?†asks the Irishman.

    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

    The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?â€

    The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could d it first.â€
  6. One night on the small, dark Irish country roads an Englishman and an Irishman were driving recklessly and collided, demolishing both of their cars. Amazingly, the two men emerged from the wreck unscathed. Astonished by their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike of each other from that moment forward.

    The Irishman at this point fetches a bottle of 12-year-old Jameson from his car and hands it to the Englishman who gratefully accepts it, removes the top and hefting the bottle in a toast, cries,

    “May the English and the Irish live forever in peace and harmony!†Still shaky from the wreck, the Englishman takes several hearty swallows, draining a good half of the bottle before handing it back to Paddy.

    “Eh, no thanks,†says the Irishman, “I think I’ll just wait for the police to get here.â€
  7. On vacation in Europe, Bob noticed a marble column in a church in Rome with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, Bob asked who the telephone was for. The priest told him it was a direct line to Heaven, and if he’d like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. Bob was amazed, but declined the offer.

    Throughout Europe Bob kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, he asked about it and the answer was always the same: a direct line to Heaven and he could call for a thousand dollars.

    Bob finished his tour of Europe with a stop in Ireland . He decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door he noticed the golden telephone, but underneath it there was a sign stating: “DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN — 25 CENTSâ€

    “Father,†he said, “I have been all over Europe and in all the cathedrals I visited, I’ve seen telephones exactly like this one but the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?â€

    The priest smiled and said,

    “Son, you’re in Ireland now. It’s alocal call.â€
  8. The top 10 signs you’re being stalked by a leprechaun:

    10. Generic-looking green transit van with darkened windows parked across the road with “I brake for imps†bumper sticker.

    9. Every time you stop on the street the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have moved a little closer.

    8. All your shoes have been expertly repaired overnight.

    7. Green lipstick marks on your bedroom window.

    6. Card delivered with a bouquet of 4-leaf clovers.

    5. You don’t recall owning an anatomically-correct lawn gnome.

    4. When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing “Black is the Colour.â€

    3. Every day this week you’ve noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.

    2. Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, “Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?â€

    And the number one sign that you’re being stalked by a leprechaun:

    Them little green pellets in the litter box ain’t M&M’s.
  9. An Irishman and a woman arrive at a relationship therapist’s office and explain that they are having trouble with their intimate matters. After some discussion, the couple make it clear that they would like it if the doctor would be willing to observe them in the act, something he reluctantly agrees to do. After the first session, he assures them that everything seems to be fine, charges them his €50 fee and sees them off on their way.

    He’s surprised when, the next week, the distressed couple show up again, insisting he give them a second opinion. As he has already accommodated them once, he agrees, and after the second session he again assures the couple that everything is certainly working as it should, charges them his €50 fee and bids them goodbye.

    When the couple show up the next week he begins to suspect there’s something odd going on. He confronts the man, who finally confesses,

    “Well, doctor, my girlfriend is married, so we can’t be together at her house. I am as well, so my place is out of the question. The TravelLodge charges €127 a night and the local hotel €175. Here we can safely be together, it only costs €50 and I get €43 of that back rom the VHI!â€
  10. There was an Irish family who wanted very much to have a baby. They were poor, but they did what they could to buy vitamins and folic acid and all the things a mother needs to bear a healthy child. They were delighted when they conceived, but when they went for their first scan the doctor could see something was very wrong - the child was only a head.

    Nevertheless he came to full term and, miraculously, despite his lack of a body, he was born otherwise healthy. He needed a lot of help, but he was everything to his parents and their boy prospered, despite his condition.

    On his 18th birthday his father tucked him under his arm and proudly walked down to his local pub. Setting his boy down on the bar, he turned toward the barman,

    “Two pints of stout!†he ordered, proudly.

    The pints came and the father lovingly helped his son drink his first beer as a legal adult. Suddenly, the head began to shake and *pop* a neck appeared beneath his boy’s head.

    Amazed, the father quickly ordered his son another pint. He poured it into him and *pop* a set of shoulders appeared. Another pint and *pop* an arm! Another and *pop* a second arm!!

    Now the boy could drink for himself he continued to order pints of stout while the bar gathered around and cheered him on. *pop*! *pop*! In rapid succession the rest of his body appeared and, after drinking 12 pints he was whole! With everyone cheering, he ran around the place naked. Sure - he was completely unused to his new body but elated nonetheless!

    With the cheers of the bar he became so excited he ran outside and into the road where he was struck by a truck and killed instantly.

    A few days later, after the funeral, an older man was having a few drinks at the same bar when he asked the bartender,

    “Did you hear about the young fella who was only a head? Isn’t that a terrible thing happened to him!â€

    “Ah, said the bartender, sadly wiping a glass, “he shoulda quit while he was a head!â€
  11. I don't mean to be picky, but they don't use dollars in Europe. That should be Euros.

  12. Continuity my friend, continuity ;)
  13. he needs these:


  15. i believe it is, purely coz the website sounds like a radio station, and the image URL is /andy_nappy_5.jpg

    but considering i found it with my good friend google, i have absolutely no idea :)