You know you're a Collingwood supporter when: 1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does. 2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people." 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: "Hey, watch this." 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo. 9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: "Carn the Maggies ." 10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels. 11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it. 12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 13. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 15. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk. 16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. 17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.