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[VIC] Driver Down Thread

Discussion in 'The Pub' started by Chef, Jun 15, 2011.

  1. We'll see where this goes shall we...

    I've just gotten back into a cage after a few years and the first thing that has struck me is how ridiculously stupid traffic is, of which I am now a part of.
    Up and until now I was a happy little camper riding through traffic and not having to succumb to it. Now that I'm stuck in it I get to observe retards in their natural habitat up close, and watch them not just have a brainfart like we sometimes do, but suffer mental diarrhea and have the nerve to call it driving. My early impressions for a long and satisfying driving life do not bode well.

    One of my greater pleasures in life is watching cars collide with each other. It is rare spectacle to witness first hand and unfortunately those opportunities don't come along often enough. Although I have a feeling now that I'm in a cage I'll be seeing more.
    The next best thing is hearing about it. I listen to the traffic reports on morning radio intently just to hear of the retards who have crashed into each other on the way to work.....and the gridlock they've caused for every other cager on their route.

    I do feel sorry for my friends if they crash their cars, but only because of the shock on their face when I congratulate them and thank them profusely. If I hear of a car being 'written off' I've been known to dance a little jig. This they do not find amusing. But I am always amused to know there is one or two less cars that can kill me (or them, but they don't see irony the way I do)

    It's at this point I would like to take the opportunity to apologise profusely for being responsible for bringing another car onto the roads. I don't wish to do it, I don't want to do it, but I have to do it. At least for the time being.

    To help ease my guilt and to try to make amends I want to share this thread with you.....this is a driver crash thread. I'm guessing 'rider down' rules apply and we can't speculate about causes, which is fair enough and not really relevant anyway.

    I've already gotten to see my first accident and it was a ripper, so I have to share it with you. It was on the Mash (Monash Fwy) outbound around 4:30pm. Some retard drove up the back of a F100 ute. The retard's car was fucked Tommy, yes proper fucked...in a way that only an F100 can fuck a car. What could possess a cager to drive into the back of an F100 on a freeway where it's a straight road with clear visibility is beyond me. I can't speculate but my best guess is it has something to do with the driver being a fucking retard.

    The flow on effect was hilarious too. Traffic was banked up from the Heatherton Rd overpass all the way back past Wellington Rd where I exited, the traffic continued over the horizon. As the crashed vehicles were parked in the emergency lane I'm guessing (I can't speculate) it's because all of the sheeple were slowing down to see what the retard had done to themselves. And what they had done was use the F100 to push their front quarter panel back past their front door. I reckon this is how the first micro car was invented, in a traffic accident.

    Thankfully I have a job where I'm driving against the traffic flow. But each morning and afternoon I'm amazed at how choked our 'freeways' are at peak hour. Two things strike me as absurd though, 'freeways' and 'peak hour'. What do those two terms mean anymore? Freeways are no longer free, and traffic no longer peaks in an hour. More irony lost on the masses I believe.

    So, one retard who couldn't drive down a straight road without hitting something in front of him has now brought a 'freeway' to a standstill. Dare I say it? Should I? Could i live with myself if I didn't?

    Is this one retarded fuckwit giving ALL of the others a bad name? This retard drives around in a car and is clearly an idiot of the highest degree, and I now drive around in car, so is it too ironic to say this asshat is giving me a bad name? This monkey's inability to pilot his cage down a multi lane freeway without hitting something reflects poorly on me and the thousands of other sheeple who are following his bad example. If only I had an easily accessible outlet to vilify him to make myself feel superior. Is there such a forum in existence? Where does one go if they've newly acquired a car and want to share their new found insight and wisdom into the brotherhood of the cage?

    I love driving a cage, a new world of possibility has opened up to me. I'm now caught in stop-start traffic that is death by one thousand cuts. Minutes and hours are to be sacrificed from my life so that I too can fit in with the grand plan of drive, earn, spend, tax, sleep, drive. I am now a sheep with my nose up the arse of the sheep in front of me. Following the Judas sheep without question, without recourse, without freedom. If they go to their slaughter I go with them....everyday, the same way, never questioning.

    But whereas before I believed I would lose time from my life I have found I have gained it. I now have time to answer calls, send text messages, phone my friends, and use my cage as my little sanctuary from the outside world.
    I can turn up the radio if I don't want to listen to the drone of my life being eaten away by the road. I can turn on my climate control and turn my back on the climate. Weather report, who needs it? I need a whether report, I need to know whether the traffic is going to make me late again.

    My old hobby used to be dodging cars, my new hobby is cutting them off. Such fun to be had not using indicators, changing lanes at will without recourse. They can only blare their horns and shake their fists angrily now, knowing full well that to hit me is to buy me a new car. I love my car, I can feel an upgrade coming along soon.

    This driving thing is a lark. It's so simple even a monkey can do it. I drive an auto so smooth gear changes are done for me. I no longer need my coordination to know what I'm doing. I have a hand free at all times to wave to the other drivers (we don't nod, it's not the done thing).

    I'm looking to do some mods to my cage to upgrade it. I want to have those sensors in the rear guards that will help me park while taking the guess work out of it. My cage doesn't have airbags so I'll need to be careful about who hits me and how they do it until I can upgrade that. I've learned that if I turn my rear vision mirror so I'm not looking at myself I can see the blind spot on the rear left hand side. I need to turn my head around to the right to check that blind spot if I gave a fuck, but after careful observation and being swerved into three times already I realise it's not important and i can just wait for the horn of the driver I've inconvenienced.

    I never wanted to be one of them, I was always content I was on the right side by being one of us. So I feel like I've betrayed you, myself and the brotherhood I grew up in. I'll make this pact with you though, I drive defensively just like I did on my bike. Somethings are so ingrained they will never change. But I like car accidents, they are spectacular, I only watch car racing for the accidents otherwise it's boring. So on the off chance some retard who can't drive in a straight line without hitting something in front of them happens to be behind me, I promise with all my heart that if they tag me and take me out, I wont use the brake to slow myself down, I'll hit the accelerator and take as many of them with me as possible. I'll leave a trail of destruction and an insurance bill that make baby Jesus cry.

    ...and yes i will post pics.

    I have discovered a new way, a new lease on life. Perhaps a mortgage would be a better word (look it up). I have discovered my inner asshole. I have found a new freedom, not in avoiding traffic, not in being free to move around in my life as i please.....no I have found a new pleasure in interfering in the lives of others. I have a soundtrack to my new life, my enjoyment and their misery has theme music. I play it and sing it at the top of my voice...

    *WARNING* this clip is uncensored, but then so is life. So if you're squeamish, easily offended or just don't like it hand your fucking life back. There's always somebody ready to take your place. Just like riding when you think about it.

    To those who know what this thread is really about, to those who can see between the lines of life and find the hidden meanings that allude and confound the simple sheeple we share the roads with, then I ask you to wind up life's windows, belch loudly and proudly with me in harmony (g-flat for those playing at home) and sing my new anthem with me in honour of a fallen rider who has fallen from grace. Who has fallen but is not out. I'm an asshole....and I'm proud of it.

    Handicapped people making handicapped faces....I fucking lol'd
    • Winner Winner x 1
  2. this thread is such WIN!

    Chef for PM?
  3. This is quite simply the best fucking thing I have read. Ever.
  4. You sir, have won the internet.
  5. heh heh... sing it with me fellas...

    "...I'm just an average Joe with an average job..."
  6. You average white suburbanite slob.
    I like football and porno and books about war.
  7. I farking lol'd so hard. :rofl:

    Utter farking gold mate. :grin:
  8. Sounds like a Jeep thing.

    ... Eh, skipper?

    You're getting better Chef. I couldn't thumb-tap that in the middle of traffic before I got home.
  9. Pure poetry mate!


    Loz has some serious competition on the writing front methinks
  10. Absolute Gold!!

    I can now go to work with a smile on my face remembering this!
  11. Its funny, but the above, and half the mentioned brain diarrhea moments, got me thinking about my daily commute on Australia's best train system - METRO. You could write a novel just on the amount of brain dead zombie sheep observations you have in 1 commute.
  12. I'm conflicted - I like you Chef-man, but I still wanna ride down just to kick you in the door...
  13. you have to post this on netrider chef you MUST.
    Brilliant piece of writing and so well defined.
    Try and send it to the motorcycle mags and the RACV as well as all the politicians.

  14. yes the F100 made a meal of the car that hit it... I passed this also but was safely splitting outbound at the time :p
  15. hahaha, favourite part of that song is at the end where he starts barking.
  16. The one time I go looking for the kudos button and there isn't one. +1 for all the comments, absolutely brilliant Chef!
  17. Love your work :)

    20 minutes in stop start traffic in my cage (manual) & I'm usually ready to kill someone, more so given my usual commute is by bicycle or motorcycle, neither of which generally have any hold ups.

    It's really not surprising Taxi drivers drive the way they do.

    The funniest crash I ever saw was an old ford wagon that ran into to back of an MX5 that an attractive young lady was driving in stop start traffic on Williamstown road.

    Happened one car in front & one lane over form me, so I had a good view, the guy in the ford just wasn't paying attention & accelerated in to the back of her.

    She was quite irrate, he couldn't give a shit, they swapped details & got back their cars, traffic hadn't moved.

    When it finally did:

    He ran into the back of her again.


    I shit you not.
  18. :rofl:
    Brilliant! Absolutely effin brilliant!
  19. Well he got her details, so its a job well done methinks!