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Van's writing project

Discussion in 'The Pub' started by van, Aug 14, 2006.

  1. Nb. This is one for the geeks ;)

    Hey yo. I spent some time at home sans intarweb (some sort of line fault apparently), so I gots to writing. I've got no writing training whatsoever, I've just read a heck of a lot and have some idea of how I like writing to look. There are moments in this story where the punctuation or structure is blatantly or just somewhat wrong, and for the most part it's deliberate. I've tried to be careful in making sure it's obviously deliberate rather than being a result of a lack of writing education, but at the end of the day, that's also precisely why this lacks any professional look!

    Anyway. It's about 2500 words or so at this point, but very far from finished. The way I carry on, I suspect this could be a very long story if I finish it.

    From where it ends, I'm planning for Sho to throw it all in and go on an adventure. Not sure how, yet. Maybe sell all his stuff and buy a pieceoshit car, disappear into the Aussie outback for a while. Maybe he'll meet someone along the way. Maybe it'll become apparent that the year is 2017 and there's a small sci-fi element. Maybe there'll be a big one. Maybe there'll be romance, maybe there won't. Maybe he'll end up on Mars, leading a rebellion (Mars and rebellions seem to go hand in hand, as an allegory for colonial America and its rebellions against the establishment). I dunno.

    I don't expect you all to read it and I won't be heartbroken if nobody does, but it'd be nice.

    Cheers :)

    GO, FOR GREAT JUSTICE! http://kissplease.com/story.doc

  2. nice read... stupid call centers... exactly where i'm quitting this week! yay!
    stupid months notice :(
  3. did you want a crit or just for people to read?
  4. Oh sorry, yeah I'd like a crit if it's constructive and mindful of my complete lack of training, haha. I truly do not want to write like a traditional professional writer would, I want to have some oddities about my style. But that said, I also don't want to look like a complete hack either. Tough to find the middle ground!
  5. right well then...

    not including the story (too early in the piece to really get where it is going).
    a couple of things stood out.

    first and foremost was the planning. how long is this going to be. there is a slight meandering feel to the story. firstly -where are they? at the telemarketing place? i wasn't sure to begin with. if it is a short story then that is a problem if it is longer then probably not

    if it is a short story then fast character dev is fine but but you've punched us in the head with who the characters are. mainly, you tell us who they are - directly, without letting the story evoke that response. a good example of this is Sho & ryan interacting with the spider. "sho did this, sho asked that. sho then said"
    the story basis is there, and as an anecdote was a good one (loved the "school of cool" line) but you've written it towards the dot points of hte story.

    which leads to the second point
    you've settled a bit into a writing style later on but early in the piece it feel a lot like a conversational story, rather than a written piece.

    it is hard to crit the story itself because it hasn't progressed far. I don't mind the style of your writing though, i think with a few more chapters it will settle down into a consistent style.

    i don't know if that crit sounds negative or not. it's really only two points. I picked up on.
    but i think the planning is beyond vital
  6. I cant get it to download :( it gets stuck at around 90%
  7. Downloaded it.

    My sister's a writer at UC and interested in editing etc. I'll see if I can interest her.
  8. Russ: You're a legend mate, that was a great crit! I agree with you for the most part, so I'll go back over it and see what I can fix, for sure. All very good points, thanks a lot!

    Sonja: Whoa, that's scary haha. She'll tear it to shreads! But yeah, that'd be ace if she could have a read. Thank you :D

    Eswen: Thas a bit wei0rd... I could email it to you if you like? Was going to throw it into an html file, but that cocks with the formatting a bit.
  9. She's a gentle person by nature. I rekon she'd make an awesome mum, but she doesn't want kids.

    She will be thorough in looking at it, rest assured. She's harshest on her own stuff.

    http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/libr/b/e/bethfit/ is where you can read some of her stuff.
  10. Oh that's good to hear then haha. I'm not against harsh criticism if it's constructive, but gentle is always nice! Heh.

    Thanks for the link, I'll check it out now! :)