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True definition of tools

Discussion in 'General Motorcycling Discussion' started by Roarin, Nov 18, 2005.

  1. Shamelessly stolen from ozvfr.
    HAMMER:-Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

    STANLEY KNIFE:Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard boxes delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

    ELECTRIC DRILL:Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in huggers just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

    PLIERS:Used to round off bolt heads.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence it's course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    MOLE-GRIPS:Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS:-Once used for working on old British motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

    DRILL PRESS:A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

    TWEEZERS:A tool for removing wood splinters.

    PHONE:Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

    SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog crap off your boot.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

    TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

    BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:A handy tool for transfering sulfuric acid from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

    AIR COMPRESSOR:A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 20 years ago by someone in Osaka, and rounds them off.

    PRY BAR:A tool used to crumple the metal subframe of your pride and joy, when you actually wanted to pry off that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50pence self tapper.

    HOSE CUTTER:A tool used to cut stainless steel one-off hoses 1/2 inch too short.