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Top 6 Smart arsed answers

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by Tweetster, Aug 10, 2009.

  1. 6th Place

    It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
    'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in
    the front row.
    'What are my choices?' the man asked.
    'Yes or no,' she replied.


    5th Place

    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
    As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
    opened his trench coat and flashed her.
    Without blinking an eyelid she said,
    'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'


    4th Place

    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of
    Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
    She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

    The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead..'


    3rd Place

    The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he
    stopped for speeding.
    'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
    The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
    When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his
    way without a ticket.


    2nd Place

    A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
    A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
    Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
    under it.
    Cars are backed up for miles.
    Finally, a police car comes up.
    The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and
    said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
    The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out
    of petrol!'



    A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
    final exam.
    'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
    I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
    illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
    excuses whatsoever!'
    A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
    'What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete
    and utter sexual exhaustion?'
    The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

    *When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
    shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with
    your other hand'.*
  2. I like. Although I've been known to bust out some really good (or bad) ones from time to time. Often at a very inappropriate time.

    The best one I can remember goes as this:

    Out shopping with my girlfriend... we were only there getting bread. So we approach the checkout chick and she rings it up and we pay and then she asks "would you like a bag with that?"

    It seems my brain/mouth filter went on holidays for a minute there because without even considering the dire consequences of what I was about to say, I said:

    "Yes please, but can you cut * some holes in it? I don't want her walking into shit on the way home"

    *I got to here and realised what I was saying was not a good idea, but you can hardly stop mid sentence. People only want to know more then.

    Yeah. We're not together any more.
  3. Worth it, dude!
  4. Nice one!!

    Best a fat person says 'sorry about the wait'
    best response I know of "that's ok, you'll lose it"
  5. Well, I thought it was a stroke of genius. She, on the other hand, had mixed feelings about the entire situation.

    Use it at your own peril :D
  6. I got yellow carded playing soccer a month ago..

    I tried to tackle someone aggressively and the referee yelled "Easy, easy, easy!" at me and i replied with "I'm not Easy".
  7. Was pulled over in Yea for a RBT during a ride about 2 mths ago.
    Senior Plod asked me whether I had anything to drink as I was taking off my gloves, inner silk gloves, helmet, silk balaclava.. (!!!!)...for the regulatory blow in the tube...

    "Just a shephard's pie", I replied...
    He didn't seem very impressed :LOL: