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Thursday funny

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by caz64, Jun 25, 2015.

  1. A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this storeONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floorhas wives that love sex.

    The second floorhas wives that love sex, have money and like beer

    The third, fourth, fifthandsixthfloors have never been visited.
    • Funny Funny x 9
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  2. By the way, I would have stopped at the first floor lol
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  3. I would have window shopped only and gone to the local bike shop instead :woot:
    • Like Like x 4
    • Funny Funny x 4
  4. 10380293_10152455926943303_6233878274681687656_n.

    • Funny Funny x 6
    • Winner Winner x 1
  5. 11698727_10206712486707669_8314919858695949974_n.

    • Funny Funny x 6
  6. Its like when they opened the Virgin Megastore in Melbourne - certainly not what my vivid mind imagined it to be :-(
    • Funny Funny x 5
  7. #9 kneedragon, Mar 3, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2016
    It is Thursday, so ... Check the link as a starting point.

    Winston Churchill’s 16 Greatest Jokes And Insults

    That's good, and has some of the better ones, but it does omit what may be the best comeback in history.

    I'll try and search it, and if that fails, I will try and type it out...

    Ok, some more, including the one I was thinking about...

    Quotes About Classic Insult (30 quotes)

    There was one other great one, although I think it got a mention there, but they got the participants wrong. One was Lord Cardigan, after who a knitted jacket (open at the front) is named, and the other was the Earl of Sandwich, (I am not sure about the direction. ie., did he get his name from a great British snack or lose his to it?) The occasion was the buck's night of the younger one. (I am a bit fuzzy about which was which, but one was about 21 and the other was about 40.) So after several small and measured applications of mild and gentle drinks, the older man gave an impromptu speech, most of which we don't have, but it ended with ... " ... and the only thing that remains to be seen, is whether he dies on the gallows, or of the pox." In response, the young groom stood up and replied "That does rather depend on whether I take up his Lordship's morals or his mistress."

    If anybody has ever delivered both barrels with more style or accuracy than that, I have not heard of it.
    • Agree Agree x 1
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  8. Bob wakes up in hospital, there are drips, drains, tubes, wires and sensors all over him. He's a bit groggy and through the haze he sees a beautiful, buxom young nurse leaning over him.
    "Can you hear me, Bob ?" she says.
    "Uuuuugh, yeah" says Bob.
    "Are you in any pain ?" she asks.
    Bob shakes his head.
    "Bob, you may not feel anything from the waist down, OK ?"
    "OK," says Bob, "so it's alright to feel your tits ?"
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Winner Winner x 2
  9. ... great come-backs. There's another one, deserves a mention. I read about it in Colleen MccUllogh's Masters of Rome series. It happened about 60 BC. There was a rather famous wit, in Rome, during the late Republic. He said a stack of very clever things about a bunch of important people, but never seemed to take aim at Crassus. (Marcus Licinius Crassus.) Crassus was the wealthiest man in Rome, leading businessman, a bit like one of the media magnates or computing giants of today. Crassus was best mates and co-conspirators with Julius Caesar in many things. Crassus provided the money and Caesar provided the brains. He had long been know as the Bull. (Like a bull in a china shop.)
    People who handled and cared for cattle, in Rome, had long ago worked out a warning, in the case of a dangerous or angry animal, of tieing (knotting) a stalk of grass around one horn. In certain exceptional cases, extremely angry animals, they'd tie two, because one might come off.
    So our wit replied that he didn't aim at Crassus because that man had knots on both his horns.
    This had a truck load of double meanings. Just like we do, the Romans used the same word for the weapon on a bull's head, and the weapon a man gets. Romans for the next century, repeated this joke at parties and stuff, as the funniest thing anybody had ever said.
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Haircut .....
    A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
    His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your bloody hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
    The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it
    After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your
    grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm pissed off that you haven't had your hair cut."
    The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the aptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
    (You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
    "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?!!"
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Winner Winner x 1