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That time of the year

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by TonyE, Aug 12, 2010.

  1. As someone pointed out in another thread we're approaching the time of the year when magpies start to be a nuisance.

    As a Melbourne supporter I tend to think that they are a nuisance any time of the year - so as a service to all those Victorians with more than two braincells (and more than one tooth) and because there is an increasingly depressing possibility of Collingwood getting their second premiership in living memory:

    I present this years crop of Collingwood jokes...
    OK - some of them are pretty old -but they'll piss off magpies fans.:)

    Q: Which Pie is likely to win Collingwoods best and fairest?
    A: A 4 and 20

    Q: What do you do when Collingwood win a grand final?
    A: Turn off the playstation

    Q: What do you call a 25 year old female Collingwood suporter?
    A: grandma

    Q: Two Collingwood supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins?
    A: Society.

    Q: What does a Collingwood supporter use as protection during sex?
    A: Bus shelter.

    Q: What does a Collingwood supporter use as a contraceptive?
    A: His personality.

    Q: What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
    A: The defendant.

    Q: Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
    A: To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason what so ever.

    Q: What do you call a female Collingwood supporter in a white tracksuit?
    A: The bride.

    Q: What's the first question during a Collingwood supporter quiz night?
    A: What you looking at?

    Q: Two Collingwood supporters in a car without any music - who is driving?
    A: The policeman!

    Q: Why is three Collingwood supporters going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
    A: Because one seat is empty

    Q: What do you say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
    A: Big Mac please.

    You do know a Collingwood supporter invented the tooth brush, don't you? Otherwise it would have been called a teeth brush!

    A Collingwood fan, a moron and a dole bludger walk into a bar, and that was just the first bloke!
    (with apologies to Trevor marmalade)
  2. might be some repeats... this is what i put on another forum:

    Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps? They had pictures of Collingwood players on them. People couldn't figure out which side too spit on!
    Q. If you see a Collingwood supporter on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
    A. It could be your bicycle!

    Q. What do you have when 100 Collingwood supporters are buried up to the necks in sand? A. Not enough sand!

    Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a Collingwood supporter?
    A. A Doberman!

    Q. What do Collingwood supporters use for birth control?
    A. Their personalities!

    Q. Two Collingwood supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins?
    A. Society

    Q. Two Collingwood fans are in a car without any music playing. Who is driving?
    A. The policeman


    Mick Malthouse was caught by a speed camera. "I'll do anything for 4 points," he said...


    A mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes.

    He walked into the embalming room where a corpse was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its arse.
    Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard; "Good old Collingwood forever......." come out the guys butt.

    Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the corpse and ran up the stairs to find his mentor; "Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."

    Annoyed by the naivety of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs; "There, look at the cork in the arse of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it."

    The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork, and sure enough:- "Good old Collingwood forever...." began to play.

    Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of ar$eholes sing that song."


    Two kids were having a kick in the car park outside the MCG just before a big Carlton and Essendon match. As they were playing a dog came running across and attacked one the the little kids. The dog was on top of the kids scratching and biting him so his mate who he was having a kick with pick up a stick and started to bash the dog with. Well in the end he belted the dog so hard he actually killed.

    A news reporter witnissed this event and came rushing over for an interview. She said to the boy " that was great you just saved your best mates life, this could make a great story."

    So the lady started think of headline....

    "Carlton Supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the boy i am not a carlton supporter.

    "Essendon supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the boy i am not a carlton supporter eiher. so the lady asked who he barracked for and he said collingwood.

    The next days headlines where " Low Life Mongrel Maims Family Dog"


    Q: What do you call two Collingwood supporters driving their car off a cliff?
    A: A tragedy...at least 5 could fit in the car.


    What's big and green, has 2 wings and eats magpies in September?
    The MCG.


    Recently I bought a new car but I had to return it to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

    The car salesman explained that the radio was voice-activated and demonstrated this brilliant feature.

    "Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.

    The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"

    "Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On the Road Again".

    Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant " Georgia on My Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.

    I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.

    Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great awesome songs from the 60-80's.

    It was fun and even my girl friend got into it too.

    "Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man" "Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great Stone's hits.

    But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.

    A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.

    I immediately yelled in anger, "Arse Holes!"

    Guess what !!

    Immediately up came the song " Good old Collingwood for ever ............"
  3. A family of Collingwood supporters heads out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting.

    While in Rebel Sports the son picks up a Geelong footy jumper and says
    to his 10 year old sister, "Hey moll, I've decided to become a Geelong
    supporter and I want this for Christmas".

    His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him around the head with
    her carton of Winfield's and says, f*** off, go talk to mum".
    Off goes the little lad with the Geelong jumper stuffed up his miller shirt and finds his mum.


    "Yes son?"

    "I've decided I'm going to be a Geelong supporter and I want thisjumper for Christmas".

    The mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a
    full stubbie of VB at him, smacks him in the gob and says "Let's go talk
    to your father!"

    Off they go to the jail during visiting hours, with footy jumper in hand and find Moose, his toothless tattooed father.


    "Yes, Knackers?"

    "I've decided I'm going to be a Geelong supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas".

    Moose goes berserk and gives his son an almighty backhander and says,
    "No bastard of mine is ever going to be seen wearing that shit!", and
    then kicks his arse from one end of the room to the other, just for
    good measure.

    About half an hour later they're all back in the old Falcon and heading
    towards home. The mother turns to her son and says,"Knackers, have you
    learned something today?"

    The son says "Bloody oath I have!"

    "Good Knackers, what is it?"

    The son replies,

    "I've only been a Geelong supporter for a day, and already I hate you Collingwood pricks!”
  4. This one isn't true. They breed like flies. Haven't they ever heard of a condom?

    Go DOGS!
  5. One of my favourite topics, Collingwood bashing.

    Two Jews walk into the Collingwood membership office and ask to buy season tickets

    The Lady behind the counter asks, "Are you circumcised?"

    The Jew replies "Yes, of course!"

    The lady then says,

    "I'm sorry, sir, but you have to be a complete d1ck to be a COLLINGWOOD fan…

    I was walking down the street the other day and saw a Collingwood membership ticket nailed to a tree - so I grabbed it.
    I mean, you can never have too many nails.


    Little Brucie was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers do for a living. All the typical answers came up, fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Brucie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

    "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes,if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let them sleep with him".

    The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took little Brucie aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"....

    "No", said Brucie,

    "My father plays footy for Collingwood, but I was just too
    embarrassed to say".


    Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
    "Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Collingwood fan."

    So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"


    50,000 Collingwood Fans meet at the MCG for a "Collingwood Fans Are Not stupid" Convention.

    Eddie says, "We are all here today to prove to all of Australia that Collingwood Fans are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer."

    Dale Thomas gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Eddie asks him, "What is fifteen plus fifteen?"

    After 15 or 20 seconds Dale says, "Eighteen!".

    Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

    Then all 50,000 Collingwood Fans start chanting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

    Eddie says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the Australian press and broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance."

    So he asks, "What is seven plus seven?"

    After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

    Eddie is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened.

    Dale starts crying and the 50,000 Collingwood Fans begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

    Eddie, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance.

    What is two plus two?" Dale closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

    Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Collingwood fans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...

  6. sorry, i have a couple more.....

    how do you know when you're in a collingwood supporters house?

    the father is telling his 14 year old daughter to shut her kids up and get him a stubbie!

    what does a collingwood supporter say when she loses her virginity?

    get off me dad, you're crushing me ciggies!

  7. Please excuse my ignorance of Mexican-ball, but I am intrigued to know why are Collingwood so hated?
  8. Every second person (I use the term person loosely) is a Collingwood supporter. They are everywhere. :(
  9. Because they exist... :)

    A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
    She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
    "Come again?" says the slightly deaf worker, cupping his ear.
    "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise
  10. this one is a winner so far