1)Overheard in dublin: Two lost overweight North Americans wandering O'Connell Street looking for somewhere on the southside, looking confused. Wife, on seeing a bunch of chavs sitting up against a bike rail: "Herb, let's ask those athletes over there." 2)I'm English and I'm a black bloke, When I worked at Butlins in Somerset an American tourist once refered to me as a "British African American" 3)As an American it's surprising to hear I was in a foreign country NOT acting stupid, but... I was in Germany, having a beer with some assorted other foreign English-speaking hostelers. We started chatting with a native German who spoke fairly well. His friend, however, just sat there quietly, though not rudely, not saying a word. At one point, I asked German A if German B spoke any English - A leaned over and translated for B. B asked me, "American?" I nodded. He made himself look fat, wagged his finger at me, and gave me the only English he knew, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." He repeated that for the rest of the evening. 4) Captain's Log Whilst working for a Large American Bank a few years ago we were sent to work in the Paris office, staying at a rather plush 5-star hotel right opposite the Louvre. My colleague, whose French extended as far as 'Monsieur, wiz zis Ferrro Rocher, you are rrreally spoiling u-h-s', had managed to block his toilet one morning with a caber-sized log. After a moment of panic, he spotted the maid coming along the corridor so he 'motioned' for her to venture into his bathroom. As they stood there in silence, he lifted the lid to indicate the source of the blockage, and confidently pushed the lever on top of the toilet. He looked across at the maid, then glanced down at the pan. One double take later, he froze in horror as the caber whirled merrily down the ubend to join his chums in the Paris sewer. The maid just left politely, muttering to herself..... 5) Nuff said........ Doing an English Civil War re-enactment a few years ago........ A mate of mine is doing some carpentry, bashing a few nails into some timber. An American woman comes up to him and says..... 'They didn't have nails in the 17th century' 'What do you mean'? 'They didn't have nails, i read it in a book somewhere' 'Oh right.. I think you'll find they had nains somewhat earlier than the 17th century'. 'How do you know'? 'Do you think they tied Jesus to the fcuking cross'? Exit one speechless tourist. 6) "Clear"? Not really... My ambulance was sent to an American tourist who was in cardiac arrest. As you may well know, defibrillation delivers electricity through the heart in an attempt to restart it and this must be done quickly. The amount of shock you deliver is measured in joules and whilst the amount varies for kids, all adult patients receive the same joule amount. My partner was managing the patients’ airway and I was at the stage of delivering a 360 joule shock. I verbalised this to my partner and on shouting the warning "All Clear?" " an urgent American voice shouted "Wait!" Thinking a dangerous contact with the patient had been spotted I stopped and asked what was wrong. The American replied "The patient is an American". Me: "Yes I know. What’s the problem?" American: "I heard you say you were going to shock him with 360 joules." Impatient me: "That’s right!" American: "Surely that should be 180 joules then?" Me: "No." American: "But our voltages in the states are half of yours, so surely...." I stopped listening to him at that point. I truly wish this story were not true, but I would mention that I could hear the rest of the tour group, to their credit, berating the guy who interrupted me. 7) We know where you live... Some years ago I was working as Town Crier for the city of St.Albans. Summer job announcing all kinds of utter crap to make sure that people knew what the hell was happening on Market Days.* I'd just finished announcing the day's events at the top end of the town when I was approached by two of the fattest people I have ever seen. One of them, sturggling with a tiny phrasebook in his pudgy paws spoke loudly and slowly to me in a language which alas I didn't understand at all.** The ensuing conversations remains with me to this day. "I'm sorry, I don't understand you. Do you speak any English ?" "Of course we speak English! We're from Idaho! Why don't you speak Italian ?" "Ahm, because we're in England, not Italy ?" "You're wrong, this is Rome. Rome is in Italy" "We're not in Rome, really we're not." "Yes we are. We're touring Europe, and we're here to see the Roman ruins." "Well, the Roman ruins are down the hill there, but I assure you you're not in Italy, you're in England." "No, we're in Rome. England was yesterday" At which point they waddled off towards the old Roman city of Verulamium, muttering to each other about the fool in the red coat who didn't even know which country Rome was in. *Yes I am serious, sad isn't it. **Alas all the laguages I speak fluently have the phrase "syntax error" as a major feature I went to Gambia on an educational with the Gambian Tourist Board. We was being shown round a resort that had alot of woodland. The guide said to us that we may come across monkeys. About 5 seconds later I spotted a movement in the bushes and because I was excited I shouted to the rest of my group, "there's a monkey, theres a monkey" everyone crowded round to look at the monkey who turned out to be a Gambian man cleaning up the forest, he had a pitchfork to his side, his hand on his hip just giving me an evil look. I seriously didnt see him there I just saw the movement in the tree's. The whole trip was spent with the rest of the group thinking I was a cockney BNP member! 9) Saucy! Standing in the queue at Burger King in Magaluf after a refreshing evening, a pretty but non-too-bright lass from Blighty asked us what 'excuse me' was in Spanish. Straight-faced, we told her that it was 'Bastardo', figuring she would get the joke. She only edged her way to the front of the queue politely asking "Bastardo! Bastardo! Can I have some more sauce please?". The look of utter disgust on the Burgersmith behind the counter still makes me laugh to this day! 10) Pedantry and putonghua The tourist in question is, erm, me. I currently live in China and, as has been mentioned before, Mandarin (putonghua) is a bit of an arse. The main problem is the intonation. There's 4 main tones, falling tone (imagine saying "hmm" like you agree with something), rising tone (imagine saying "hmm" like you're answering someone calling your name), fall-rise tone (imagine saying "hmm" like you're doubtful about something) and high tone (imagine Joe Pasquale saying "hmm"). Basically, use the wrong tone and you have a completely different word. And, since Mandarin is ebil, all common words have incredibly rude equivalents with different tones. So, flash to me taking a quick trip to Beijing. I need a pen to take down details of my flight. I ask a woman working in an ice cream stall nearby if she has a pen. Now, what I should say is "yo meiyo bi?" with bi as a fall-rise tone. What I actually say is "yo meiyo bi?" with bi as a rising tone. Which means "Do you have a ****?" (no, it doesn't translate as anything more polite). I didn't notice her slightly shocked expression but, fair play to the girl, she hands me a pen. A remarkably large pen. One of the largest I've ever seen. Yes, folks, the next sentence out of my mouth was "nide bi tai da la!". So "your pen is very big!" became "your **** is too big!". I'm assuming it wasn't considered a compliment because she didn't look best pleased. 11) Demented I used to work on the beaches in the English Riviera (Torquay) handing out deckchairs and sun loungers to people. One woman came up and silently pointed to the stack of sun loungers. Realising she was a tourist and didn't speak a word of English I did the lamest attempt at communicating in a slowed-down, almost gurning pronounciation of 'one.... sun... lounger?', she nodded and again I replied, 'one..... pound... fifty.... please.' She paid, turned to me, and in a very broad cockney accent said 'Shall I just take one off the top mate?' She walked away saying to her friend, 'It's lovely when they employ "special" people.' 12) Stupid Locals A few years ago I was working in a little town called Hinckley - a God-forsaken place full of in-breds. Me and one of the guys I was working with were involved in a project to take CAD drawings and convert them to PDF files to put on an Intranet. Anyway, we were in a pub after work discussing work when I noticed that the bar had gone silent and there was a distinct air of menace in the place. I was quite puzzled but all of mutant-senses were tingling. It was definitely going to kick off. I went to the bar for another round and the barman served me grudgingly and then asked "What are you doing round here? You social workers? 'Cos if you are, let me tell you that we don't want any of those kiddie-fiddlers moved around here!" WTF? And then the penny dropped. They'd overheard us talking about moving PDF Files to the new site and thought PDF Files (say it quickly)=paedophiles! In-bred muppets. 13) Winky Wanky Woo Youngish Mrrcan tourist stood next to me in small crowd drinking outside London pub. All typical characteristics present and correct. Regulation national dress of baseball cap, checked shirt over t-shirt, long shorts, trainers & white socks. Overheard me using the word "wank" and blared in my ear (interrupting a private conversation, naturally) the fact that he hadn't heard that word before, was it an English word? Why yes, my friend, I kindly explained. It certainly is. Basically, it means fun. You'll hear it quite a lot in London England, in various forms. I helpfully offered him the following examples - Wanking - enjoying one's self Wanker - a "fun" guy Bunch of wankers - a group of the above Having a wank - having a laugh Feeling slightly self-satisfied, I'll confess, I went back to my pint and thought little more of it. However within no more than two minutes he headed over to a group of roaring drunk barechested English lagerboys and waded straight into whatever joke they were sharing. Realising what I'd done, I put down my drink, grabbed the missus and made a swift exit. All I heard behind me as we hurried down the street was - "Hey, you sure sound like you're a bunch of wankers." "What? What the fcuk did you say?" "Hey sorry buddy, aren't we all just having a wank here?" The rest was drowned out by shouting and a plaintive yell... 14) Daft Tourists I work at one of the most prestigious Whisky & Real Ale pubs in Edinburgh. It's very posh and very traditionally Scottish in a posh way (but this means, as barstaff, we get the joy of refusing anyone we don't like, including students, hen nights and people wearing those bloody stupid "Jimmy" hats) Anyway, we get a lot of celebs and politicians in. One night, Joe Jackson, who was playing in the city, was entertaining several American mates, including the guy who produced Bat Out Of Hell. Todd Rundgren according to the internet. I wouldn't know, because Meatloaf's shite. So, this lardy yank comes up to the bar, which is famed for having 170+ malt whiskies. "AH WANNA SKAAAAAATCH!" "Which one? We have over 170. Perhaps you would like to see the whisky list?" "NAAA, AH WANNA SKAAAATCH!" "Okay, what sort of price range can you afford?" "WHATEVER!" "Ah, sir, I see.. I have here.. a 27 year old Macallan, at £17.50 a nip. Would that be alright?" "YEAH!" hahahaha. Oh, alright, if that's not good enough, a big group of tourists came in asking if we served food. "Only pies and toasties," said the other barman. "Could we get the menu then?" Said the yanks. Aforementioned barman ripped the front of a barmat, wrote "PIES AND TOASTIES £1.50" on it, and gave it back to them. 15) Welsh Immigration A few years ago, a Kiwi friend of mine had invited some fellow Kiwis across to the UK. Whilst driving towards the Severn bridge to enter Wales he turned to them and said 'You do have your passports, right?' He has a wicked sense of humour, so.... Cue roadside luggage shifting as the only passenger 'sans passeport' was bundled into the boot and smuggled past the Welsh Authorities.... Arf! My favourite bit was when he got to the pub later, and starting bragging to the rest of his mates about how he'd managed to smuggle himself in Note - for those not in the know. There are no 'border controls' between Wales/England/Scotland and no passport is required to travel between them. Heh Heh 16) it's true. At least I think so anyway. My friend promises me.... He witnesses a Glasgow woman smacking her kid. "I'll take my hand off your face!" etc etc. German woman walks up to her, and scolds her "In Germany we do not hit our children!" The reply "In Castlemilk we don't gas our Jews" silenced her. 17) and OWLS! "A friend of mine lived in Warwick and eventually got sick of American tourists asking him where the University was." Who's more stupid? The Americans asking where the university is or the fcuking university for building itself in a different chuffing town to the one its named after? I was at an owl sanctuary in Devon and there was a Geordie family going round Child: What kind of oool is that mummy? Mum: It's a tawny oool Child: I've got a friend called Tony 1 Germans demand tea. I went round to a mate's house recently and we were startled to find a German family sitting on his garden furniture asking for tea. The door had been left on the catch and I guess they just assumed it was a cafe. This is a question reply Not exactly a tourist When I was doing my A-levels we had an absolute twunt of a teacher from Bavaria. This guy looked like Gollum, wore sandals all year round and had no formal German teaching qualifications. His answer to everything was to touch his index finger to his bottom lip and say "Ah ja." Anyway, his grasp of English slang was nonexistent, and like I said the guy was an arrogant, unprofessional twunt (he used to make personal comments about students to other students, talk about his sex life in class in far too much detail, and stuff like that). One day in lower sixth we went to London for a conference thing, and because his geography was as crap as his teaching skills, ran from Russell Square to St Pancras just in time to see our train leaving. Realising it'd take even longer to get home now, we were not happy. A short while into a conversation with him about nothing in particular, he asked the question "What is the English word for music like Andy Williams from the 60s and 70s, for older people?" To his eternal credit the guy I did German with pondered this for a moment, and then with all sincerity informed him the word he was looking for was "shite". "Ah ja." By all accounts he went up to our headmaster the next day, and informed him that "in Germany, we listen to a lot of shite". We got bollocked, but it was so very worth it. 19) Cunnilingua My friend often works late in his city job with one of the bigger banks. One night he was coming back by tube - the only one in the carriage - when a large group of giggling Italian girls got on. They sat down and, with a few sideways glances, assumed it was a fair bet that this suited Englishman wouldn't speak their language. Wrong. He's fluent, the talented git. They then proceeded to have an increasingly graphic conversation about how their respective boyfriends were not satisfying them sufficiently in the bedroom department. My mate kept an admirably straight face as they bemoaned hygiene problems, shortness of length, lack of cunnilingus etc. As the tube approached his stop, he stood up and cleared his throat. Just before he got off he said in mellifluous Italian tones, "Ladies. I'm sorry to hear of your sexual dissatisfactions. Can I suggest a good heart to heart with your boyfriends or perhaps obtaining more talented partners?" Apparently the look on their faces as the carriage pulled away was priceless. 20) Smollensky's in the strand. American woman: "can you tell me what exactly Banana Cream Pie is" Waitress: "what one of the three words are you having a problem with" waitress was sacked 21) Over here in the Fatherland I once had the pleasure of hearing an English girl, while playing cards, try to ask a German lad if he was good at shuffling the deck. Unfortunately, she didn't know the German for shuffle, but then she had the epiphany that shuffle is English slang for wank so why not in German? She asks the guy in perfect German: Can you wank well? ----------------------------------------------- A German friend once had a Dutch boyfriend. Your man spoke reasonable German and, as Dutch and German are pretty similar, you can sometimes guess words you don't know. So, mum asks, "what would you like for dinner?", and not knowing what poultry is in German, he guessed. It's "gevogelte" in Dutch, so he says, "Was gevögeltes", meaning "something that's been fcuked." 22) Several years ago.... ...I was the stupid tourist travelling round the states. Money had run out & we'd resorted to eating in the Golden Arches on a daily basis. Visited one such 'restaurant' in Chicago to be asked to order again because she loved the accent (I'm from Birmingham for god's sake). Which I did. Then she asked me where I was from. Birmingham. And was that near Nottingham? (a certain film with Kevin Costner had just come out). Well, sort of. It's in the Midlands. Next question floored me: Do I know Robin Hood? No, I don't. Silence ensued. Order arrived. I turned to leave & was called back to be told that "when you get home you can tell your friends you were served by a black person." 23) Another battle... Overheard this in a gents lavvy in Somerset... A yank tourist and a REAL yokel type stood at the urinals.... The old yokel finshes his piss, shakes the drops off and puts the old fellah away... 'Gee, don't you wash your hands'? 'Us 'ere don't piss on us 'ands' I nearly pissed on my hands laughing. 24) Blackpool - Where stupid folk come for holidays Living in Blackpool, I think I am well placed to comment on the stupidity of tourists. Not necessarily foreign, but stupid nonetheless. I will try and remember some more but the best one I can remember is from when I was wee. Now being on the UK mainland, and fairly cheap and easy to get to, Blackpool has never really competed with Nice or Cannes for tourists. So I am standing in Bank Hey Street, in the middle of town and was accosted by a family of tourists (or Grockles as we like to call them). The Head Grockle utters the immortal line, "'scuse me mate? Can you tell me where "Blackpool Tower" is?" For those that don't know, it's the only thing over 500ft for about a 60 mile radius, made of iron and on a clear day, people from the Isle of Man can see it!! I told them that it had been sent away for repair. He replied, "Oh that's a shame, we really wanted to see it" I told them to come back tomorrow and see if it was back. 25) Houston, Texas Asked by concierge, "Hey man, I really dig your accent, where are you from?" I'm from England. I explained to him I was from Japan.. "Man, you speak really good american!" (note the lowercase 'a' - I don't recognise 'american' as a language) "No I don't,", I explained, "I am speaking Japanese, my mobile phone translates it to whatever language I choose, In real-time"