...is an unsatisfactory movie. I wish I'd been drunk when I watched it... or at least had the hots for Kirsten Dunst. -But no, I was/am denied on both counts. I had beer, vodka, bourbon and wine available... but all I wanted was a small calibre hand-gun and just enough gumption to try using it to remove the headache that godawful movie gave me. Where shalt Ktulu begin, hmmm? I guess it has to begin with Spiderman 1, otherwise known as "Wow, Toby Maguire isn't as much of a p00f as I previously thought ". Coz it was rad. The special effects were good, the storyline worked, and the only let-down was Willem Dafoe as some sort of bipolar monster out of Power Rangers pulling his prison-r@pe-face constantly. But ya know, I'm a forgiving kinda guy. Spiderman 1 = OK. I recently made the time to watch Spiderman 2 (otherwise known as "No wait... Toby Maguire is as much of a p00f as I had previously suspected.") with my beautiful girlfriend who thankfully paid for the movie hire [Don't you give me that look... I paid for dinner orright] - as, were I to invest my own money, the sheer brain-snap of such a foolish financial decision would surely pave the way for future errors. -trusting my superannuation to come from poker machines. -purchasing those Ansett shares off my neighbour. -buying a Honda. ... and other equally retarded examples of economic mismanagement. BECAUSE: it wasn't a particularly good movie to watch. Both GF and I were yelling at the TV, "FFS! Tell her you love her... or at least tell her you "really like her"... or at least that her "hair looks nice this afternoon" or SOMETHING that isn't "I'm sorry..." GRAAAAAH! Sure with Great Power Comes Great Responsibility - but even Bill Clinton had a 1st Lady... ... and a 2nd one. The special effects were the same-old, the villain was cheesy, and Toby Maguire didn't get stabbed in the face. All things that should have been fixed before it was released in cinemas. Now we mosey on over to Spiderman 3. Surely they have spent a couple of billion dollars at least towards outdoing number 2's mediocrity?!?!? Eh?! Eh? Well there was obviously a considerable budget involved... I mean, you have to pay off a whole bunch of people with loads of cash to make a movie based off a comic - and just because Stan Lee is a more of a sell-out cash-slut than the Beaconsfield Miners, doesn't mean he can't stand up in court, point to a sketch from 38 years ago, and have the US Supreme Court slit your throat with your credit cards and sodomise you with your own empty wallet. However: was such vast amounts of cash enough for a good movie? Oh dear me, no. I guess at least the villains were cool; but again: the character of 'Spiderman' is twisted into this desperate, useless, insecure basketcase who STILL decides half-way through the movie that being Spiderman isn't good enough and he's going to become some sort of black widow, emo, fringe-growing, depressive, superhero who probably foils crime only between crying into his diary, slashing at his arms with plastic cutlery, and masturbating while asphyxiating himself. Then he dances Oh God he dances Why do bad things happen to good people? WHY DON'T bad and fatal things happen to prevent me witnessing scenes like that??? It was confounding, really. I can even now recall the amazing calm that came over me, as I paused the movie to empty my bladder and grab a Honeycomb Magnum Mini from the pack of 6 I purchased for only $4.99 from Coles. Of course, I was partly disappointed in the movie, but partly full of hope that a sudden and mysterious case of lactose intolerance would occur and the ice-cream would get me sent straight to hospital where painkillers of a suitably hallucinogenic nature would help me forget my entire ordeal. Alas, there was only good health... perfect hearing... adequate vision... and a pleasing honeycomb aftertaste... I mean, how? wha? eh? The movie changes direction more often a Parkinson's Disease kid on a billy-cart. Is it sci-fi? Is it action? Is it comedy? Is it a friggin' Caberet show, and if so WHERE is Catherine Zeta Jones and I only ask because Renee Zellwegger's face was swapped with her arse at birth? I don't know whether it's saying "Look how dynamic this movie is!" or "Bet you didn't think it couldn't get any worse... BAM!" If it at all helps convey the level of disappointment I had in this film, I'd like to allow you some empathatic meaning: - the time it took me to write this post was better spent than watching that movie. - I watched a copied version some little asian bloke filmed in a cinema and then chucked on the net for a mate at work to copy and then rip onto my laptop so I can burn it to disc at home and, although bathed in my healthy pirate glow, am STILL pissed off I wasted a $1.60 blank DVD-R on this thing. Feel free Sydney-ites, to borrow it for your own viewing education, displeasure, and the mild sense of satisfaction that "At least that's out of the way". Good night. PS - watch "Shooter" before you bother with Spidey3... it's cool and there's heaps of guns in it!