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Speelinnk mistooks can be a wurry

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by Iffracem, Oct 18, 2005.

  1. Did a search, couldn't find a previous post, but no doubt someone will tell me if it's a re-post :wink:


    Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
    appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

    Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
    Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

    Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING
    Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference
    includes meals."

    The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

    Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
    recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
    things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

    The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to aconflict.

    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
    someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

    Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
    obvious pleasure to the congregation.

    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery

    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
    help they can get.

    Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
    transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
    Pastor Jack's sermons.

    The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
    sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the
    church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
    will follow.

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
    Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
    several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
    recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
    person you want remembered.

    Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
    The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and
    gracious hostility.

    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
    be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from
    the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
    are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
    lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.

    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
    basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this

    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
    Please use large double door at the side entrance.

    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
    last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
  2. If these were urban myths, they'd be funny, jj. My experience tells me that many of them are probably true, which increases the humour many-fold.

    and how about

    'Because of the number of christenings that are taking place this Sunday, there will be a font at the back of the church as well, and children will be christened both ends'

    and the minister who had been at Cowes in his younger years, and was invited back to preach at his old church? He began his sermon thusly;

    "Thank you for inviting me back; I just couldn't wait to get here and see all the old Cowes faces".....