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Some non-electrical puns...

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by TonyE, Sep 24, 2009.

  1. The Moles

    A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,”Yum! I smell maple syrup!”

    The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says “Yum! I smell honey!”

    The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, “Geez, all I can smell is….

    Get ready…..

    Are you sure you’re ready? You may never forgive me for this one…


    A man goes into a butcher’s shop and sees the display cabinet is held up by what appears to be a set of pigs’ trotters.

    He says to the butcher, “Are those REAL pigs trotters?”
    And the butcher says.
    “No, they’re counterfeit!”

    Once upon a time there was a salesmen’s conference being held in New York , coincidentally on St. Patrick’s day so that the attendees could attend the celebrations there ‘for free’.

    There were three Italians attending who were not acquainted with the disgusting American-Irish practice of putting green colouring in their “beer” on that day. One of the salesmen was from St.Peter’s Square (Rome), one from Naples and one from that place half underwater (Venice). They went into an Irish Pub.

    The barman – an ex-porter who claimed to be (or not to be) a Shakespearian actor “between engagements” – was thus asked by these 3 salesmen if he had any REAL irish beers (stouts). He said he had a choice of Guinness, Mackeson’s or Murphy’s stouts.

    The bible salesman from Rome asked him what was the difference, so the actor/barman explained : “They are all dark stouts but the Guinness is bitter and has a fine creamy head, albeit spoiled by the addition of green colouring today.”

    The Camorra representative from Naples then asked “And the Mackeson?” Turning to the spaghetti salesman from Naples, he explained “The Mackeson’s is sweeter, a hint of caramel, with a larger head with larger bubbles in the foam, spoiled today by the green colouring too.”

    The third salesman asked “And the other one, is it spoiled by green colouring too?” Striking a Shakespearian pose, the porter/actor/barman turned to the Merchant of Venice and declaimed
    “The quality of Murphy’s is not stained…”


    The bad and ugly king had a beautiful girl as a captive. Though her beauty shone like a thousand moons (and her moon wasn’t so bad either), the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming.

    She waited day and night, looking out with hope out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would free her. However, every knight was scared away by her dress, which, as i’ve said before, was very ugly.

    She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered, . . .

    “See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!!!”


    There’s these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they’ve been separated from their unit and are lost. They’ve been wandering for several days without food and water and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration when, as they reach the top of a sanddune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.

    Naturally, they can’t believe their eyes and think it’s a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stall holders’ cries and they eventually reach the market and realise that it’s really there. So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stall holder, “Stall holder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some which you can sell us – tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?”

    The stall holder shook his head and replied “I’m sorry, French legionnaire-type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of cake, sherry and jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of multi coloured little sweet bits.”

    The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stall holder, “Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water.”

    The stall holder looked at them, embarrassed, and confessed, “Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me, all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard, sherry, cake and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of multi-coloured sweet bits, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top – there,” he said, pointing out the glace cherry. “I cannot help you..”

    The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stall holder, “Look mate,”(cos they’d stopped talking funny all of a sudden) “we need water or we’ll die. We’ve been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?”

    The stall holder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, “Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream, cake, sherry and hundreds and thousands of little multi-coloured sweet bits. I can’t help you. I’ll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration.”

    The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stall holder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stall holder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cake, sherry, cream, custard and hundreds and thousands of ulti-coloured little sweet bits.

    Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, “That was really odd – a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, sherry, cream, cake and hundreds and thousands of multi-coloured little sweet bits.”

    The other turned to face his companion and replied,
    “Yes, it was a trifle bazaar.”
  2. Horrible! I loved them!

    Pardon my ignorance, but I didn't get the one about the beer... Care to fill me in?

  3. "The quality of mercy is not strained. "

    The Merchant Of Venice Act 4, scene 1,
  4. And you expected us to know Shakespear???

  5. Not you Martin - you're from the Latrobe Valley...:p

    (Actually I thought with a street named after him there Traralgon residents might have some clue...):p
  6. ....any relation to Britney?? :-k
  7. Can't help yourself Tony can you. :) Great though. I always enjoy some good puns.
  8. Well, it has the Shakey Spear, a terrible fast food outlet. Maybe that is what blocked it from my mind...
  9. I was going to mention it - but even the thought of that place makes me nauseous. Nearly as bad as the Hot Spot in Morwell...
  10. Erk. However, we have a Hot Spot too which is our "restaurant of choice" when we order takeway on Saturdays and Sundays at work.