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Some more really bad lines...

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by TonyE, Nov 3, 2008.

  1. OK - some of them are really old, others old and others just awful...:p :p

    1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
    be an optical Aleutian.

    3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his

    6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was charged with littering.

    8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
    Blownapart (and his probable retreat).

    9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
    into it.
    • Like Like x 1
  2. I must agree... :grin:
  3. :( I thought this was going to be a thread about my cornering prowess :(

    A group in Sydney has purchased a large number of rubber trumpets with a view to creating a rubber band.
  4. Very good, made my day! :applause:
  5. Somebody freed all the dogs at the lost dogs home

    Police say they have no leads.
    • Like Like x 1
  6. My boyfriend won't eat chicken - he says it's fowl.
  7. A Neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".
  8. Two atoms are sitting at a bar, one says to the other "I think I lost an electron", the other replies "Are you sure?", the first answers "I'm positive"... :-w
    • Agree Agree x 1
  9. I wasnt sure where to post this but this thread seems as appropriate as any -

    I just got shunted at a stop sign by a woman, she said she saw me but didnt manage to stop in time (despite it being a low speed incident). She asked me if I was alright and did I want her TO FOLLOW ME HOME. After a few seconds stunned silence I asked her if she was being funny and politely declined the offer.
    • Agree Agree x 1
  10. Yeah, people say some stupit s*** when they run you off your bike.

    After a 60km/h t-bone into a panelvan that turned in front of me,
    I was lying on the road under the bike and couldn't move. She said...
    "I have some aromatherapy that will help you with stress" and
    proceeded to put droplets of lavender on my tongue...

    after I was run into from behind by a young p-plater, he phoned me
    about a week later and said:
    "I got a fine for following too closely. I wasn't, we were just waiting
    at the intersection and I thought you were going, you know that.
    If I take it to court would you back me?"
    I said, "Dude, you ran me over. That's Zero centimeters, which is
    pretty closely in my book."
  11. frekin oath... thats so funny but sad at the same time. lol!
  12. How can you PROVE that the dog is man's best friend?

    Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car, and see who's happy to see you when you come back two hours later....
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  13. I was in a pub yesterday and the cigarette machine said "You smell and you're ugly"

    Then I heard a voice coming from a nearby plate of peanuts saying "You're a very handsome young man"

    Turns out the cigarette machine was out of order and the nuts were complimentary.
    • Agree Agree x 1
  14. awwww that is awesome!
  15. This threads terrific because it's title encourages inflicting this type of joke on you all:

    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden. ......

    “Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eetâ€

    “Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meeeâ€.

    So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

    There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

    “Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. “Eees a bacon treeâ€.

    “Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don’t forgetâ€

    “Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon treeâ€.

    And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

    “Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon treeâ€

    “Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?

    “Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..





    Eees a Ham Bush.

  16. Tony .. that's just terrible

  17. A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
    went on a field trip to the local race track ( Randwick ) to learn
    about thoroughbred horses .
    When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that
    the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
    The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
    one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the

    Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
    began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'privates' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

    As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

    Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.' 'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race but I appreciate your help.'
  18. One Kiwi says to another: "hey bro, what's a Hindu?"

    The second Kiwi replies "lays eggs 'ey bro"
  19. I see your face when I am dreaming.

    That's why I always wake up screaming.
  20. :rofl: