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Some funnies

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by smee, Feb 1, 2011.

  1. [FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I’ve just come out of the shop with a meat pie and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’ I told him ‘I wish I had your f**king will power’[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Top tip; if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ‘finish off on her face’ didn’t mean what I thought it did.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Paki’s” were not the correct answer. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]A fat girl served me food in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said ‘sorry about the wait.’ I said ‘don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually’[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I walked past an abo kid sitting at the Bus Stop as I came out of the bank. He looked at me and said ‘Any change’ I said ‘Nope! You’re still Black.’[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks ‘What is wrong’?? The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’ ‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’?? The boy replies ‘No thanks mister, sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here’s how it goes ‘Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?’[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best![/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that’[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair”?? The answer I should have given was ‘Fiji’. [/FONT]

  2. In the words of Frenzal Rhomb: Very politically incorrect; but very funny.

    :) Nice one.
  3. Yeah I think you've covered just-about everyone there Smee - I like the filthier ones ;)
  4. Share the love but in this case share the hate.......love these jokes.
  5. Especially for smee :)

    A Greek man, an Albanian man, a Swedish girl and an old Italian woman are traveling on a train that has just entered a dark tunnel. Suddenly they hear a loud slap, and when the train emerges, the Albanian man has a red hand print on his cheek.He must have groped the Swedish girl, and she slapped him, the Italian woman thinks.

    He tried to grope me but fondled the old lady instead, and she slapped him, the Swedish girl decides.

    The Greek guy must have groped the blonde, and she slapped me by accident, the Albanian determines.

    I can't wait for another tunnel, the Greek man thinks, so I can smack that Albanian again!
  6. hahahaha loving them! some are a little out there, but if they've not made me laugh, they made me smile.
  7. Priorities all wrong.

  8. Nope spot on actually. :)
  9. This old bloke gets lucky down at the local Saturday night RSL dance. This cute old chickie takes him home and as they are just getting down to it she says "I must warn you I have acute angina". Old bloke replies "I hope so love cos you've got f**king awful tits!"