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Some Collection of Jokes

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by Danhendo888, Apr 30, 2014.

  1. #1 Danhendo888, Apr 30, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2014
    Wilson's Nails

    Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.

    "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."

    A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."

    Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"

    Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything'.

    Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."

    A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson's Nails!'.

    Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

    He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

    A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

    She replies, "I lost it, honey."

    A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

    Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

    Top 10 Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave at Other Motorcyclists.10) They're way too cool to acknowledge any non-Harley riders.
    9) They're too busy daydreaming about owning a real motorcycle.
    8 ) Their engine is too weak to handle the added wind resistance of a waving hand.
    7) The Rottie (in back of the pickup truck with the tied down Harley) is easily upset by rapid hand movements.
    6) Are you kidding? Risk their lives trying to control a Harley with just one hand!
    5) They're too busy humming "Born to be Wild" while fantasizing about being Peter Fonda or Dennis Hopper.
    4) They're too busy figuring out how to pay for the next order of genuine Harley accessories (including the "official" HD calculator needed to add up the cost).
    3) If we really have to tell you, you won't understand anyway.
    2) They can't see you because their half-shell helmet keeps falling down over their eyes.
    1) They think we are actually trying to draw their attention to the parts falling off their bikes, and they are sick and tired of it.

    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels

    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

    'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you
    are blind, that you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

    'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times'
  2. That's fantastic!
  3. True story:

    My son was asked to write something down that was impossible, in class the other day. He wrote; A teacher that doesn't fart.
  4. #3 Danhendo888, May 7, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2014
    Who says men don't remember:

    A couple were christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
    She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
    In a quiet voice he said: "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
    The wife choked up and started to cry and said: "Yes, I do remember that shop".
    He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door".

    Always wanted a corner office with a view?
    How about being paid to travel?
    Plus drive a $400,000 company vehicle?

    Bus driving: your ticket to a great career


    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter.
    The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

    A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

    A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

    There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."

    After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

    Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

    Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

    Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?"

    Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.

    An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

    A man is like a snowstorm. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

    A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

    Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
    A: Santa stops after three hos.

    After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"

    The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

    Two homosexual guys were walking down the road when one looked at the other and said "You see that guy across the road?" "Wow, he's cute!!!" the other said. "Well, I had sex with that guy a couple of years back." "No shit??" the other asked. "Not much..." replied the first.
    • Like Like x 1
  5. A hooker walks up to an aborigine and says
    " do u want a blow job "
    He replies
    " I don't want nothing to do with no job "
  6. Difference between Peanut Butter & Jam?

    You can't Peanut Butter your dick up someons ass!