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Sneezer for hire

Discussion in 'The Pub' at netrider.net.au started by Mcsenna, Sep 1, 2013.

  1. For those of you who have had back surgery, even abdominal would qualify probably. you will surely identify with what follows.
    The common sneeze goes from being a pleasant clearing of the nasal passages to a horrifying near death experience. The act itself is followed by a blood curdling scream the likes of which I previously thought could only be performed by professionals in horror movies.
    Then comes a string of the foulest swear words, in various languages, that you have managed to accumulate over your lifetime.
    So I was thinking why waste this new talent, why not put it to good use.
    You may be able to think of some occasions yourself but here's a few examples.
    A group of would be if could be junior execs have taken your favourite spot at the bar. No problem stand me behind them, a pinch of pepper and behold the bar is clear for at least 2 meters either side. Some will just move others will flee the pub entirely.
    Don't bother rushing to get a front row seat at the footy, just send me in, I'll clear a whole row for you. Just bear in mind if you arrive after the game has begun that there will be a pause in play while the players regain their composure and talk the umpires into coming back on the ground.
    Have a gang of hooded boguns robbing your shop, no probs give me a call. Those that haven't fled will be lying strangled on the floor. There is no fear you see, they can't inflict any pain on me that I haven't already done to myself.
    Filtering and splitting issues, no probs stick me on the back and I'll cut a swathe through the traffic for you leaving behind a mes of confused and terrified cagers.
    So folks no occasion too big or small, but I must leave now as I feel a sneeze coming on and my wife has created a sound proof booth for me so the dog doesn't leave home for 3 days like it did last week.
    Around here when I sneeze they don't say "bless you" they say , like the mayor of Hiroshima, "what the fark was that?"

    • Like Like x 1
  2. Know the feeling well.
    I had an operation where I was cut from groin to sternum and stuck back together with 32 staples.
    Sneezing was excruciating. I think I created band new swear words.
    The other bad mistake was flicking in the TV from my hospital bed and watching a comedy. 10 minutes in I laughed and that was brutal.
    I smashed the self administering morphine button about 10 times and switch the TV off.
    Not good
  3. Know it well Mick, I refused the morphine thing cos it's accompanied by the tube in the dick thing.
  4. I was confined to the bed for the first 6 days before they even tried getting me to walk I needed that tube down the willy or things would have got messy.
    Tubes from my guts that came out my nose, drains from the sides of my abdomen, catheter, colostomy bag, nothing to eat but crushed ice.
    Morphine made me feel nauseas but it took the pain away !
  5. Sounds like an horrible experience mate, makes me a little ashamed of the fuss I'm making over mine.
  6. I don't think being in massive pain when you sneeze from back pain is 'making a fuss'
    That's harsh times.
    Hopefully you are on the mend and you can laugh (without pain) about it in the near future
  7. Sorry to hear you are so poorly.
    Broken bones around this area can cause the same experience.
    I snapped a collarbone back in '95 while attempting to clear a small set of triples at a motox meet, that was painfull, but not as bad as the next 3 days after that.
    I knew it was time to retire from my 20 year amatuer racing carreer in '98 after trying to take down a tree in a enduro with my flying body and breaking the ribs in my back. I haven't broken anything since but that hernia operation a few years ago resulted in the same experience.
    Heal quickly!!
  8. Cheers Wascal, you sound like one tough mother.
  9. haha my wife says my pain threshold level is "sook" and I think the recovery nurse at the hospital I had the hernia operation at would agree, her words as I was coming out of my induced sleep "I don't mind a bit of swearing, but when it goes on and on and on it gets a bit much"
    Whats up with your back? sounds scary.
  10. Pretty routine stuff they tell me. They slice of a bit of vertebrae , remove some of the disc and clean an area around the spinal chord. In fact the pain isn't any worse than the shoulder replacement I had a couple of years ago, it's more about where it is, you can't stand, walk, sit or pretty much anything without being reminded of it.
    I'm really just raving on to fill in time.
    I do it here mainly to keep in touch with my first ambition of any note, to get back on the bike.
    I check out everyone's ride pics and stories and generally try and make a nuisance of myself as usual.
  11. good god, f@#k that.
    I understand, I've had my own motorcycle since the age of 9.. and still at the age of 45 my world revolves around it, planning, scheming , looking for a chance to get away on it, be it only for a short ride.
    Does this sound familar?
    "whats that honey? you need what from the shops? i'll just slip down on my bike and get it for you"
    • Agree Agree x 1
  12. I've broken a collar bone (in a few places at once), I've broken my arm, a rib or two and I even managed to break a toe once.

    None of them even come close to slipping a disc or even a good bulge. I can only imagine what your going through.

  13. Sounds like a great recovery plan to me !
  14. Actually toes hurt like buggery for a while, seem to be an inordinate number of nerves in them.
  15. bulging or slipping a disc is nothing mate, I got circumcised once, couldn't walk for 12 months
    • Funny Funny x 2
  16. Lets not make this another pissing contest, this forum has enough of those as it is.

    All I was saying is I sympathise with the OPs situation.
  17. I must have got lucky then. The dose of Sciatica that I got lumped with alone was way more painful than the toe I broke (toe looked much more impressive though).
  18. I'm pretty sure my remark was an attempt at humour..let me think.... yep it was, maybe a poor attempt but none the less an attempt, nothing to do with peeing. Have a Mars bar Vic, you know how grumpy you get when you're hungry.
    oops another attempt at humour :p
    • Funny Funny x 1
  19. Nothing like the phrase 'pissing contest' being used when we are talking catheters
  20. Watch what you say dude, I'm a snickers man all the way (which if you believe the media is actually the correct medication for when your not your self).