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Service Manual Translations

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by koma, Nov 13, 2005.

  1. I pulled this off another site, but i thought it was well worth a laugh.
    Anyone who does any work to their own bikes will know EXACTLY what this is all about. :LOL: :D

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    Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

    Haynes: Should remove easily.
    Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

    Haynes: This is a snug fit.
    Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Pry...
    Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

    Haynes: Undo...
    Translation: Go buy a can of WD40

    Haynes: Ease ...
    Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

    Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
    Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

    Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
    Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

    Haynes: Lightly...
    Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

    Haynes: Weekly checks...
    Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

    Haynes: Routine maintenance...
    Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

    Haynes: Compress...
    Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering repeatedly under your breath.

    Haynes: Inspect...
    Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

    Haynes: Carefully...
    Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

    Haynes: Retaining nut...
    Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

    Haynes: Get an assistant...
    Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

    Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
    Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

    Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
    Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.



    Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
    Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
    Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.
     
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  2. i like it :p
     
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  3. Yeah can relate to a few of those. Should also include:

    Haynes: Carefully remove plastic clip taking care not to break it
    Translation: Buy new plastic clip.
     
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  4. At some stage or other I have experienced most of these, and my private determination not to indulge in profanity has been sorely tested......
     
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  5. I always thought that should be added after the initial instructions!

    1. blah blah blah... remove part and skin knuckles...
    2. Bleed all over engine internals
    3. Randomly select 3 profanities and repeat in rapid succession until pain (and bleeding) subsides.
     
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  6. Hornet -you are truely missing out on one of lifes most satisfying simple pleasures. (Anyone who has worked within about a 50 metre radius of myself can atest to this.) I find it extremely therapeutic to let fly with a few choice adjectives. Along with more than a few full blooded belts with a decent sized hammer. (sledge hammer preferably) Most objects -& persons I have found, will generally see your point of view without too much more persuasion. (As long as they don't happen to have a bigger hammer than your's handy) If the object still remains obstinate, or fails to bear any resemblance to what it should look like, then it most probably needed replacing anyway.
     
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  7. Hornet, where do you buy your tools? I want some like yours, because mine just wont work without a liberal application of profanity.....and it has to be the good stuff.
     
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  8. I knew as soon as I wrote that I shouldn't have!!!
     
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