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Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by Iffracem, Feb 9, 2005.

  1. This is for the real blokes out there to pass on to all the blokes who, nowadays think it is cool to be a metro.

    Bring back our masculinity - stop being a bunch of pussies who have far
    too much gel in their hair and smell and look like chicks. Something to ponder over a skinny decaf frapachino.

    Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I
    can't stand no more.

    Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing
    about, decorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui."

    Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual, blue, green, and purple-sexual...

    Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your arse, burp, and yell

    I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the
    “Retrosexual movement”.

    The Code:

    A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR

    A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in into your home, or
    a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

    A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

    A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90.
    It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still
    smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.

    A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
    Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need
    deodorant and shaving gear - that's it!!

    A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look like he's shat himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing a hat, wear it correctly - not on the side like a faggot. Blokes and necklaces (unless you are an Australian fast bowler) are out!

    A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need
    be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

    A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

    A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on
    National TV.

    A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

    A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress
    such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention.
    Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

    A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
    conceal himself from prey.

    A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and
    ONLY a Windsor knot.

    A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
    getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.

    A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.

    A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled
    with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT.
    Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people
    or things that just need a little "wakin' up".

    Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry,
    and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control.
    Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to), death
    of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case),
    loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Holden ute.

    When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a
    pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his face.

    A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
    understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking piss with the boys.

    A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

    A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on his ute--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the Retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.

    A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

    A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough.

    A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just

  2. Did you mean "TEAL WITH IT"? :D

    only one thing i can pick wrong with that, wtf do we need to know how to put on a tie for? load of crap that is, you can get through life just fine without a tie.
  4. Don't they say that the man that acts the most homophobic is covering up the greater homosexual tendencies?
  5. Only other poofs say that... :p :D
  6. Oh Jake ! I'm gunna give you a big kiss for that ;-)
  7. no doubt a quote directly from thorpie? :LOL:

    where does the line get drawn then? if its a game of opposites does that mean that if you state your dislike for pillow munching, your definately gay, but if your screwing another guy then your definately not?

    totally confused now :shock:

    thorpie says the taste is "fully sick" :LOL:
  8. There's a line from a TISM song "I may be a **** but I'm not a fcuking ****": "I may not be gay but I slept with a guy that is". Thorpey would love it.

    Don't smudge my man-rouge Johnny :twisted: !
  9. Hahaha :LOL: I love it. Totally agree.. Chris does all that.. But not the tie thingy.. I tell him to go without.

    Lisa :twisted:
  10. <---- stands up (on 1 leg and assisted by a crutch), scratches my arse, burps, and yells "ENOUGH!" :)
  11. :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

    Where's Gromit?
  12. I'm maintaining a dignified silence. :roll:

  13. Perhaps I can be a metro-retrosexual?

    I'm not giving up my skin products, or smelly stuff, or going to start killing and eating things.

    I also wont use the word "faggot", although calling people "fags" is ok if you know them well enough, and they're screaming queens.

    I also don't care if a TV show has "Queer" in the title as long as it entertains me.

    I will pay for dinner regardless of whether or not she wants to.

    I will dress however the fcuk I want, to be perfectly honest.

    I know the right way to tie a tie, but my family is English and you have to know that stuff.

    Everything else that doesn't involve killing things, or labeling things, or getting wierd about who people like to sleep with is pretty close to how I am anyway.
  14. One of the sad side efects of "political correctness"
    People seem to lose the ability to laugh... especially at ourselves.

    Life is just too serious, isn't it......

  15. You know what terrifies me? I meet at least three quarters of those requirements *giggles and bats eyelashes*