Got stoned last night, and for the first time ever i decided to type my thought out. Here's what happened. I'm hopeless when it comes to receiving directions. It's with my memory, everythying comes out as a whole, i can't recall any individual parts, such as trying to write this. When someone starts giving me directions I will always tune out. I'll agree to everything but have no recollection of what was said. I have to concentrate so hard when receiving directions just so I don't zone out. But I can give out great directions and instructions with ease. I hate trying to figfure things out singularly. My thoughts work better when they go out in all directions. I see the bigger picture quite clearly, it's the individual tedious things which bring me down. Thoughts unfold in my head, it's hard to explain how it's happening, it only really works when i'm not thingking about it. As soon as i start trying to figure it out, my thought process will stop, when i try and think about anything, i'll get confused, i wont know where to begin. It feel limke i'm watching myself from afar, i'm not one with myself, each time i try and think about it it disappears. I just have to let my thoughts run, eventually i might be able to learn something from them, surely i must already be doing that. But as stated, as soon as i try and think why, i'll be lost, it's almost like i have to try and fool myself, by thninking about somethink else then trying to nudge my thoughts in that directions. As fcuked up as it sounds, it's worked for me so far. Obviously not the most efficient system, but that's what i've got to work with. Take maths for instance, i could work out the answer so easily, but when it came time to writing the steps in between i would lose interest. It took the fun out of it. Made it a chore to do instead. I got really bored with the teachng system by year 10. It seemed so pointless, They're just questions and answers, So what, it's like "here's the question, and over there is the answer, go through a while lot of boring stuff the come up with an answer. I didn't need to waste a few hours to learn the answer and put it to paper, If i could recall any examples it'd probably help, butg that's not gonna happen anytime soon. I find it impossible to pinpoint thoughts in my head, my long term memory is great, i can recall easily. Trying to focus on the now is very hard. I have to type am am thiking this, if i take too long it's gone. That's why i'm hopeless when it comes to talking to people, i can see the whole conversation run through my head, but as soon as it starts, I can't recall a single thing, i get confused, then i'll get really nervous and probably go off on some irrellevant tangent and most like make an indiot out of myself. I thought this would get better with age, but it's remained the same my entire life. This is probably why i get really nervous around some people, but i'm pretty sure the environment i'm in can play a part in that. If people are really friendly so am i. If they're not friendly i think i'm almost automatically on the defencive and start to get nervous. when trying to talk to people i can't see individual parts of the conversation. My mind can barely work at all in that situation. I think this has been my problem all along. SO if i can't pinpoint any specifics, i wont have any memory of it every happening. So it limited in way i learn things. That's a relief, i think i've finally figured myself out. fcukin great! Sometimes when i'm having a conversation everything just slows, other times my responses are automated, and i'll get stuck if i try and think of anything specific, because it must have it rehearsed in my, but how can ytou rehearse something you can't consciously think about. I just have to hope it comes naturally all the time, that could be why I can get so easily nervous. rereading this it looks like if i read something i can recall that train of thought easily and continure with it... cool! A few hours later and for the first time in my life i understand how my mind works. I'm not kidding when i say i can't think straight. If i try and focus on anything specific I can't think, my mind freezes, and then i have to get the wheel spinning again literally. I know now my thought process is circular, I can follow a train of thought around and have instant access to a lot of information, I can pick and use any thought, but if i hold onto that thought for too long it's gone, could be why i talk so fast, if i don't get everything out in a rush it's gone. Could explain why i'm so forgetful to, cause by trying to hold on to the thought i lose it unless its filed away. Otherwise i can never find that thought again, unless i follow the train of thought which got me there from start to finish, but how can i remember which train of thought it is, cause that's something specific, The only way for me to get things done is to follow my train of thought from the beginning to conclusion, if I stop and any point and try to recall any specifics its gone. This is the first time in my life that i have ever written my thoughts down. I realise now that i can't pick up a previous thought from halfway, i can't focus on any specific point, i have to start the whole process from the start. Writing things down allowed me for the first time in my life so see what the problem was.