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preist joke

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by troy, Apr 25, 2006.

  1. A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

    After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

    The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

    So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
    At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

    He proceeded to talk up a storm.

    Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
    1)Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

    2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

    6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

    7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

    8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

    9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

    10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

    11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .

    12)The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.

    13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

    14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

  2. Why are all the best religious jokes about Catholics and Jews; aren't Protestants funny???

    {Incidentally Troy, it's priest......}
  3. I always thought that the Yanks were predominantly Protestant, and I see no humour there. :wink:
  4. dont even know what a prodestant is =/
  5. No there just :jerk: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

    Hey I made a funny :p

    Cheers :cool:
  6. Some priests wear womens underwear underneath their robes. No joke. You know the fancy stuff.
    Apparently it's not a sin.

  7. You been hanging around Hornet haven't you? :LOL:
  8. No, I would neither know nor care what a catholic priest wore, either as underwear or any other wear. What makes you think I would???
  9. Buddah, Allah, Jesus...what ever god that's out there I know I'm going to hell anyway.

    Edit: typo
  10. An oldie but a goodie - thanks for giving me a giggle again :)
  11. You know whats funny? Muslims!
  12. Sounds like the words from an ex-alterboy... :shock: You must of been one of the pretty ones :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
  13. For Hornet, :grin: sorry it's long

    Harry Blackitt: Look at them, bloody Catholics, filling the bloody world up with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed.

    Mrs. Blackitt: What are we dear?

    Harry Blackitt: Protestant, and fiercely proud of it.

    Mrs. Blackitt: Hmm. Well, why do they have so many children?

    Harry Blackitt: Because... every time they have sexual intercourse, they have to have a baby.

    Mrs. Blackitt: But it's the same with us, Harry.

    Harry Blackitt: What do you mean?

    Mrs. Blackitt: Well, I mean, we've got two children, and we've had sexual intercourse twice.

    Harry Blackitt: That's not the point. We could have it any time we wanted.

    Mrs. Blackitt: Really?

    Harry Blackitt: Oh, yes, and, what's more, because we don't believe in all that Papist claptrap, we can take precautions.

    Mrs. Blackitt: What, you mean... lock the door?

    Harry Blackitt: No, no. I mean, because we are members of the Protestant Reformed Church, which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid-sixteenth century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue.

    Mrs. Blackitt: What d'you mean?

    Harry Blackitt: I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you...

    Mrs. Blackitt: Oh, yes, Harry.

    Harry Blackitt: ...and, by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller, I could insure... that, when I came off, you would not be impregnated.

    Mrs. Blackitt: Ooh.

    Harry Blackitt: That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church for me. That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the individual and the individual's right to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in fifteen-seventeen, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing, but four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas... [sniff]

    Harry Blackitt: ... and, Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom. Oh, no. I can wear French Ticklers if I want.

    Mrs. Blackitt: You what?

    Harry Blackitt: French Ticklers. Black Mambos. Crocodile Ribs. Sheaths that are designed not only to protect, but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress.

    Mrs. Blackitt: Have you got one?

    Harry Blackitt: Have I got one? Uh, well, no, but I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high and say in a loud, steady voice, 'Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today, I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.'

    Mrs. Blackitt: Well, why don't you?

    Harry Blackitt: But they - Well, they cannot, 'cause their church never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages and the domination of alien Episcopal supremacy.
  14. Cue Music:

    "Every sperm is sacred...."
  15. Actually the preist in question was involved in a car accident. Had to have his robes cut off him. Imagine the surprise!
  16. haven't seen this in years. thanks for the smile. love 7 & 10 in particular.

    protties take themselves to seriously mate! jews and catholics make up their own jokes about themselves :grin: need to, to make their faiths more attractive :LOL: :LOL:
  17. ahh, repressed childhood memories.
    Never would've happened if I was a muslim, I would've had AK training by the age of 5.
  18. :shock: In that case my sock drawer must be a holy shrine!!
  19. i don't understand. why are you w*nking into your socks josh??? :shock: :p :grin:
  20. :LOL: