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Perceptions of Australia

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by doonx, Sep 16, 2005.

  1. The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

    Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
    A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

    Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
    A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

    Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
    A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
    A: What did your last slave die of?

    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

    Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
    A: You are a British politician, right?

    Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

    Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
    A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

    Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
    A: No, WE don't stink.

    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

    Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
    A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

    Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
    A: Only at Christmas.

    Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
    A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
    A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

    :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
  2. This fabulous piece of self-congratulation was spawned by Siderneee winning the 2000 Olympics, and did a roaring trade round our fair city for quite a while after!! You have to wonder if people actually DID ask such inane questions, but I guess they do!
  3. i very much doubt it, just a manufactured joke
  4. Wen I wus borned there it was "Synee"...who the hell changed it to "Siderneee"
  5. I dunno,

    has anyone here been to the ol US of A? (Particularly the deep south)

    I was on exchange there for 6 months,

    some of the more common questions asked were (and then my snappy answers i used to give),

    So do you guys have running water there?
    Yeah of course the river Murray has plenty of flow, not to mention big water falls!

    Hey do u guys have electricity down there?
    Yeah batteries and the like keep my tranny powered, unfortunately i have no radio station to listen to though thats in Sydney i have to climb Mt Gambier to get enough height to listen.

    Are kangaroos runnin around your streets there?
    Yeah when the crocs arent around. theyre handly like that though, if you wake up and kangas are playing out the front all is good, if theyre all hiding and not moving in your backyard, there's generally a whole heap of crocs in the street, when you go to leave for school just run right from the word go and they wont catch you.

    So crocs can hunt you in the street?
    Yeah they try, but if your on the ball you dont have a problem, theyre quick but not as manovureable as us humans so when they get real close break left or right 90 degrees and they can't turn in time to keep up... They generally dont have the guts in them to chase you the entire 20Km's to school tho...

    I would tell them all about the Dropbears and the like too... so funny...

    But yer im not shitting u guys they were serious questions from yanks and those were the answers i loved to give and they would believe... It was bloody amazing...

    Occasionally the odd yank here or there would realize im taking the piss out of em, but they understand how stupid 99% of americans are and just giggle along with me too....
  6. i posted this one awhile ago too
  7. Juan Antonio pronounced is sidernee when he made the announcement.......
  8. I swear this ones been posted like 3 or 4 times

  9. Aha....
  10. Oh i forgot one other really really funny one i remember...

    Q) Hey your the Australian guy right? I've had a penpal from there for years now, her names Lauren shes from Sydney Don't know her at all?

    A) Oh yeah Lauren i remember meeting her there, yeah real cute blonde girl bout 5 ft tall.... yeah i remember her beenyears now (by this stage im trying hard to hold in the laughter just like the Biggus Dickus scene from Life of Brian :p )
  11. Hehe, same thing happened in Hong Kong when I worked there for a year. They were a bit more on the ball when I took the piss outta them, but generally they had no idea. They were asking me whether I had kangaroos hopping through my backyard all the time. Told them we tamed them to carry us in their pouches to get to school. It was the only form of transportation :roll:

  12. ROFL yeah the taming them for transport works wonders... I also used to tell them that they would help do anything like build houses and fix cars, they hold all the tools in their pouch for you and you can teach them which is which to give it to you when you call for it...
  13. During my time in Texas I had a few experiences like that.
    One girl who was from California was telling me she had met an Australian and wandered if I knew him. As I was rolling my eyes she said his name was Cameron Daddo...i almost dropped my beer!

    Mostly I was asked questions by people who only knew about Australia through the jokes they had heard. As they were asking me they knew it was a stupid question, they just needed to know the answer for sure.

    Although I did have one guy ask me dead serious, "How long did it take you to learn English?"
    My quick reply, "I don't speak bloody english mate, I speak 'stralian"