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Pam Ayres

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by hornet, May 9, 2009.

  1. #1 hornet, May 9, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2015
    Back in kinder, gentler days, when in order to be a comedian you DIDN'T have to be fluent in profanity in five different langauges, we had Pam Ayres.

    Pam was a charming English lady, with a quaint and engaging accent, who wrote and performed poetry that was exceedingly ordinary, but very funny. She always seemed to be enjoying herself; there was a smile bordering on a giggle on her face in all her visual performances, and you can hear it come through in audio tracks as well.

    She was not a social revolutionary, or a protester of any sort; she just wrote and performed about stuff with which we could all identify.

    She was always self-deprecating; her first published book was called "Some of me poems", mocking her own dialect.

    I tried to find her famous "I am a battery hen", but couldn't, so here she is doing "I wish I'd looked after me teeth"


  2. Oh man, I remember being a little kid in England in the 70s watching Pam Ayres on the telly.

    Help - Nostalgia poisoning!
  3. #3 es, May 10, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2015
    The Battery Hen

    Oh. I am a battery hen,
    On me back there's not a germ,
    I never scratched a farmyard,
    And I never pecked a worm,
    I never had the sunshine,
    To warm me feathers through,
    Eggs I lay. Every day.
    For the likes of you.

    When you has them scrambled,
    Piled up on your plate,
    It's me what you should thank for that,
    I never lays them late,
    I always lays them reg'lar,
    I always lays them right,
    I never lays them brown,
    I always lays them white.

    But it's no life, for a battery hen,
    In me box I'm sat,
    A funnel stuck out from the side,
    Me pellets comes down that,
    I gets a squirt of water,
    Every half a day,
    Watchin' with me beady eye,
    Me eggs, roll away.

    I lays them in a funnel,
    Strategically placed,
    So that I don't kick 'em,
    And let them go to waste,
    They rolls off down the tubing,
    And up the gangway quick,
    Sometimes I gets to thinkin'
    "That could have been a chick!"

    I might have been a farmyard hen,
    Scratchin' in the sun,
    There might have been a crowd of chicks,
    After me to run,
    There might have been a cockerel fine,
    To pay us his respects,
    Instead of sittin' here,
    Till someone comes and wrings our necks.

    I see the Time and Motion clock,
    Is sayin' nearly noon,
    I 'spec me squirt of water,
    Will come flyin' at me soon,
    And then me spray of pellets,
    Will nearly break me leg,
    And I'll bite the wire nettin'
    And lay one more bloody egg.

    Pam Ayres

    I remember listening to recordings of joyce grenfell's stuff. most memorable is the George! Dont do that!

  4. Thanks for that, Es :).
  5. Oh boy memory lane that is i tells ya ......... sitting on the floor listening to her "on the wireless" lol

    Had a few of her books at one stage as a kid.

    "We starlings,
    the missus meself and the boys .... "
  6. Ahh.....

    the dolly on the dustcart

    my personal favorite.