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One mans story......

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by removed-6, Nov 1, 2006.

    > If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
    > with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
    > regular workout routine.
    > Dear Diary,
    > For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
    > of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
    > still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years
    > ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
    > called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
    > Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
    > model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
    > My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
    > The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
    > MONDAY:
    > Started my day at 6 am.
    > Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
    > health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek
    > goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
    > Woo Hoo!!!!!
    > She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
    > my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her
    > Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
    > conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
    > Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
    > gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
    > This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
    > TUESDAY:
    > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
    > Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
    > and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
    > treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
    > all worthwhile.
    > I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
    > The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
    > counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
    > hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
    > steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
    > bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
    > early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
    > that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
    > Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
    > machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
    > told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some
    > other shit too.
    > Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
    > thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
    > a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me
    > to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
    > the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
    > the rowing machine
    > -- which I sank.
    > FRIDAY:
    > I hate that biatch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
    > other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
    > little cheerleading biatch. If there were a part of my body I could move
    > without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
    > work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
    > dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that
    > weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on
    > a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
    > softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
    > Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
    > voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
    > want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
    > strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
    > hours of the Weather Channel.
    > SUNDAY:
    > I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
    > thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
    > wife (the other biatch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
    > root canal or a vasectomy.

  2. Gold!

    Just e-mailed it to the boss :grin:
  3. I've been through a week like that, but in my case it was self inflicted.
  4. hilarious! thank you