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Noah's Ark

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by hornet, Aug 13, 2007.

  1. Received this from a minister friend, it's not original, but it is funny

    Noah's Ark

    In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

    "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m2. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too high. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. The
    Local Area Access Group complained that my ramp was going to be too steep, and the inside of the Ark wasn't fully accessible, then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

    Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

    Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

    "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it"
  2. so true... its a good thing he didn't try and go through planning I would hate to see the developers contributions for an ark...
  3. hahahahaaaaa. boorawkracy at its finest.


    Hey, at least this time round, Noah could get away with a smaller ark.... due to man driven extinction, there are a few less species to save this time plus, there are definitely no dinosaurs this time... :LOL: :p
  4. Oh how I miss that thread! :(
  5. [OT] ...Matti... I saw the doco "The tomb of Jesus Christ" the other day and was all primed to post in the "I believe" thread... afterall, the Christian mystery requires Jesus to have come to life and ascended in corporeal form... but really, the documentary needed more flesh (no pun intended) for it to be worth discussing... especially after the antiquities authorities stopped further analysis... which I found very interesting :-k (fertile ground for a conspiracy theory or five)... decided not to bother posting till I found a decent online reference detailing the findings... [/OT]
  6. [OT] keep me posted [OT] :grin:
  7. Feel free to resusciate it, guys, but it DID lose a lot when George and Clive were forced by circumstances not related to it to go silent, or leave altogether!

    {and I'm not putting OT on this, because
    1. I created the thread, and
    2. it's a joke thread anyway, so how could anything be off topic :LOL:???}
  8. Clive too?!?!?!?!?

    I thought he'd been quiet.

    That seriously sucks.


    Hey, have you heard that silly religious IQ testing joke that goes:

    Which hand did Noah have his staff in when he lead the israelites through the parted red sea???

  9. I went looking for that classic Larsen cartoon "Moses parts his hair" (you can guess if you haven't seen it) but I couldn't find it anywhere. But it's a great giggle.
  10. re the OP - HAHA. I don't know whether to laugh or cry :LOL: :cry:

    so what's the story with george and clive? why doesn't anyone tell me things? i'm so out of the loop :roll: :?
  11. ps thought you'd like this:

  12. That's a classic, Carri :rofl:

    Some people leave and you don't notice, but I DO miss George and Clive :(.
  13. +1 Just not the same...

    Do you reckon the Aardvarks just tacked the extra "A" at the beginning of their name just so they'd get to be first on the ark?? I bet the Zebras were pissed off waiting at the back of the line...
  14. This thread is great, keep it up please :cool:
  15. It will definitely be one for the arc-hives people..
    (presumably there were bees there :roll: )
  16. Tony, that was a honey.....
  17. With the way modern design fashions are, Noah today would probably use an Ark-itect.... but since global warming, he wouldn't need to worry about the cold of the Ark-tict...



  18. I wonder if they had nice Ark-itraves around the doors and windows?