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Movies are always right.

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by Karaman, Jun 20, 2007.

  1. Might be a repost, but its very useful information so i thought id share it again.

    - If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

    - If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

    - All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

    - All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

    - It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

    - Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

    - The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

    - You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.

    - Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

    - The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

    - People of TV never finish their drinks.

    - A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

    - The chief of police is always black.

    - When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

    - If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

    - Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

    - During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

    - Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

    - Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

    - Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

    - A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

    - If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

    - Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

    - Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

    - All single women have a cat.

    - Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

    - Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

    - One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

    - Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

    - If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"

    - Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

    - It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

    - During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

    - When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

    - Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

    - Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

    - When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

    - Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

    - No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

    - If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

    - You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.

    - Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

    - Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

    - Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

    - All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

    - It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

    - Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.

    - Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

    - A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

    - If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
  2. lol very clever. i think you have cracked the DaHollywood Code :p

    Think the steering down a straight road is a 'classic' habit :driver:
  3. -And all bomb makers will use wires colour-coded to their specific purpose making it easy for someone to give defusing instructions over the phone (rather than using wires that are all the same colour).
  4. - Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

    i want this super power!!!!1
  5. /Geek mode on

    Not on Stargate. Several episodes had bombs with all wires the same colour. They even made mention of the fact that in the movies they conveniently colour code them :grin:


    /Geek mode off
  6. The company that produces police sirens for the roofs of undercover cops cars did not think to test their ability to stick to the roof while cornering.

    I would love to see during the end credits of a movie, a cop walking into the manufacturers with the siren dangling from its cord in one hand, then he proceeds to beat the crap out of their QA (Quality Assurance) guys with it! :LOL:

    (it must have the dramatic "you're up against the final villain" music is playing in the background)
  7. - Women will always wear a bra when lying in bed after performing the deed.
    - Pursuing motorcycles will always crash by sliding on their side.
    - The noise a motorcycle makes can never resemble the noise that particular bike should make.
    - Electrocution always involves lots of flame, smoke and noise.
  8. - When ending a telephone call, never say goodbye, just hang up. Both Parties will know the exact time to hang up.

    - All phone numbers start with 555 even "cell" phones
  9. Martin Lawrence is a classic example of this. Watch Bad Boys with this in mind, or that one where he is a criminal pretending to be a cop (can't remember the name).

    And my additions:

    - During a high speed chase, the car will continue to change up gears, even after several minutes, and even after 32 up-shifts.

    - Car tyres squeel on any surface. Even dirt.
  10. Unless the other car is really close - in which case they always seem to be able to downshift into a gear that allows them to suddenly go faster without over-revving the engine.
  11. All car tyres squeal on corners - even on dirt roads.

    It is possible to fire a gun one handed on a motorcycle - even while cornering or accelerating hard.

    If there is a police chase involving several police vehicles, the most dangerous place to be is the second or third police car in line.

    In outer space, sound can be transmitted through a vacuum.

    Any serious movie villain will not have ensured that his bodyguards ever practice their shooting.

    Any woman being chased in a film will invariably end up knocking on the wrong door.

    Any evil mastermind is in only it for the fun - the costs of their secret base/bodyguard/weapons/research is always far more than whatever monetary value they can hope to gain from their actions.
  12. Any woman being chased by the bad guy will trip

    If the good guy waits long enough, the villain will always give full details of their remaining plan.
  13. - good guys discovering dead bodies always check the pulse near the neck to see if they are still alive.

    - little kids playing video games always move the controller around wildly in the air smashing the buttons.

    - its compulsary to walk away from a scene of destruction holding your arms around each other and laughing.

    - heroes will never stop to help their friend unless they are told to go on without them.
  14. gave me a chuckle