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Management tips

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by echoball, Oct 2, 2007.

  1. Lesson 1:
    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her$800 and leaves.

    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

    'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

    'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

    Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    Lesson 2:

    A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

    The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand.

    But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm129.
    It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

    Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

    Lesson 3:

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

    'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.

    'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.

    'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

    Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

    Lesson 4:

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

    A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

    The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

    Lesson 5:

    A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven’t got the energy.'

    'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.

    'They're packed with nutrients.'

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

    Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

    Lesson 6:

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Moral of the story: Not everyone who sh1ts on you is your enemy.
    Not everyone who gets you out of sh1t is your friend. And when
    you're in deep sh1t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

  2. Morals and lessons to live by!

  3. Yeah, classic humour. Except I can't figure why they said psalm 129, cos that's not what psalm 129 says :LOL:
  4. *sigh* You took things too far hotcam! You ruined the joke :p
  5. in regards to the 1sr one, heres what i would av done

    hubby 'so did bob say anything about the $800 he owes'

    me 'yes, he said he will have it for you tomorrow but only if you storm into the house yelling give me my effin money NOW you cont!'

    then, when hubby is in d shower i would telephone bob and say

    'my hubby just told me u him $800. what a pity u just spent that much on me, now you're going to have to go back to the ATM. do it now because my hubby is coming over for it tomorrow at any time, and you're going to want to be able to hand it straight over'

    beep beep beep beep beeep
  6. Oldie.

    Sorry to point these flaws out, in my position of Senior Cube Monitor and AOATIDSIMY

    (Assessor Of All That Is Dip Sh1t In My Office)

    1) $800 was a contractually agreed price for the shedding of the towel. It has nothing to do with any prior contracts. If the terms of settlement were agreed to a shorter time frame than the pre-existing contract that is irrelevant. Best customers get paid earlier. Obviousl the husband is a bad customer who neither has the balls nor the brains to hire a debt collector to break some kneecaps.

    2) It doesnt say that as per below. lies. Typical american "management training" lies. Get used to brainwashing bullsh1t out of Franklin Covey and other such Religious brainwashing bullsh1t dressed up as good managment practice.

    3) I just wasted 4 weeks waiting to my boss say he was going to make a decision on something, so when his bosses' boss arrived I asked him and got my answer.

    Why not cut the bullsh1t and jump a few rungs of the food chain.... give one of the wishes to someone further up the foodchain.

    4) You should aways try and look busy, even if you're doing nothing. Remember, from a distance browsing g04tp0rn looks like work.

    5) Eating Sh1t doesn't make you jump higher or fly better. It just proves you're a pussy who lacks the courage to tell someone to fsck off.

    No-one is trying to help you when they tell you to eat sh1t, lets be honest.

    6) Learn basic time management you stupid bird. You deserve to freeze to death and get eaten. Being sh@t on was the nicest thing anyone has eve done to you, you deserved to die because you are such a worthless brainless piece of crap.

    Here endeth the lesson.