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Lucas-The prince of darkness

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by pvda, May 16, 2005.

  1. In honour of the mention of Lucas electrics in the electrical problems thread elsewhere on Netrider I thought I'd post the original ode to Lucas Electrics

    The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

    Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness."

    Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

    Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

    The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

    The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.

    "I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...

    If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

    Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.

    It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.

    Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"

    Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.

    Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.

    Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas makes the refrigerators.

    Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone.
    Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb.
    Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

    Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment:
    check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."

    Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.
  2. This would be very funny to triumph, (come to think of it all the british bikes that got sucked in to using lucas crap ), riders of the past if it wasnt so true :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: Hands up who never left home with out a spare venor diode. :D or wished they hadn't :LOL:
  3. Many a true word spoken in jest :D :D :D
  4. Fool!
    By mentioning his name you've conjured him up again! Now how an I going to get home?! :LOL:
  5. Left
  6. Yep! I had an old english car for a while with Lucas electrics.
    Lucas is the father of darkness!
  7. I've been working on a mate's Triumph Stag recently, so I thought I'd go searching and drag up this elderly 3 year old post. Something about disconnecting the fuel level sender making the high beams stop working made me think of it! :?

    Dunno....I just like it!


  8. 'Tis a classic (and let's not talk about Triumph CAR electrics, shall we :roll:).

    Cook Neilsen in Cycle magazine back in the seventies said he once had a Triumph bike, and the headlight was so dim it would repel moths :LOL:.
  9. My favourite:

    Lucas--patent-holder for the short circuit.
  10. :LOL: :LOL:
    I can't believe I almost missed this thread
  11. Have a look at this page


    As an ex Jaguar/Rover/Alfa owner with a history of sacrificed chickens behind me I particularly like the replacement Lucas wiring harness smoke kit Q&A's.

    Hornet, I think this site will gladden your heart. :LOL:
  12. Ha! Got a kraut bike now. Out from under the shadow of Lucas at last! Free... free to wander the highways and byways unencumbered with bags of spares and crucifixes... free of fear, free of the dreaded "flicker, then dead"... up yours Joe baby, get a big black one up ya! Shove that wiring harness in one end and out the other...
    ...free at last :)

    Oh, shit. Forgot about the car... :shock:
  13. That's classic stuff, love the smoke generator and the copious responses thereto.

    Lucas Motto: Get home before dark :rofl:.