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Lame jokes

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by es, Jul 21, 2006.

  1. I figure we need a few every so often...

    #Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night...

    One was assaulted.

    # What do you call a fly with no wings?

    A walk

    #What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?

    Their middle name

    # What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

    A nervous wreck!

    and of course a classic...

    #What's brown and sticky?

    A stick
  2. Why is a duck ??

    Because one leg is both the same !!

    :grin: :grin:
    If it doesn't make sense now you need to go out tonight and by 5am, it will be bloody funny !!
  3. what kind of bees make milk?
    Boobies :LOL:
  4. So a guy and his family are out for a drive in the country and as they are driving along, the guy notices that there is a chicken running along next to him and keeping up with his car, he also notices that this chicken has 3 legs !!!

    Feeling a little embarressed infront of his kids, he speeds up a little with the hope that the chicken wont be able to keep up, but to his dismay, it does !! So he speeds up again, the chicken keeps up, so he plants the foot and winds the falcon out to its top speed and glances out to not only see the chicken keeping up, but the chicken pulls ahead and turns into a nearby farm house.

    The guy is amazed and decides to pull over and ask the farmer about this chicken, as he does he sees that there are hundreds of these three leged chikens running around the yard at incredible speed !!

    He says to the farmer, "Whats with the 3 leged chickens ?", the farmer says "Well, we breed them that way because my wife, my only son and myself all like a drumstick". To this the guy says "Well what do they taste like ?" and the farmer replies ....






    "I don't know, we can't catch them !!!!"

    :grin: :grin: :grin:
  5. A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

    Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began to hassle him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

    "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

    "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

    "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

    "Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"
  6. Great jokes

    What do you get when you're gay?

    Made fun of.


    How do you drown a blonde?

    Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.


    Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

    Repeated absences and stealing.


    A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral."


    Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

    Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field.


    A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

    "I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

    "What is it?"

    "Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

    The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to **** him. Savagely.


    A man walks into a bar

    He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.


    Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls over and breaks his leg on a tree root.

    In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an ambulance!".

    Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ".


    Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?

    He was weird.


    A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:

    "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."


    Knock knock

    Who's there?

    The wallet inspector!

    Ditch the jokes and come inside, Tim, it's f**king cold.


    A man walks into a bar.

    He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.


    What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

    The Holocaust.


    Why was six afraid of seven?

    It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.


    A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.

    When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."


    What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadilliac going over a cliff?

    They were my friends.


    Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.

    The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into comitting sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.


    Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

    Because she was blind and deaf.


    Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?

    She was a schizophrenic


    How do you confuse a blonde?

    Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.


    A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

    "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

    "I said 'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress'," says the girl, this time louder.


    A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm all out of tunafish."

    So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan."

    But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of tunafish."

    The guy frustrated, yells, "I WANT A CEILING FAN!"

    The customer, now irate, realizes that the salesman was actually a mentally impaired vagrant who had wandered into the store.


    Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.


    These three guys are in a bar, and they're pretty well smashed. First guy turns to the second guy and goes "you know, there's a building by here with some weird wind currents. You jump off the roof, fall nearly to the ground, then the updrafts catch you and carry you safely to the roof again."

    Second guy says "bullshit, that's a lie."

    First guy goes "okay, asshole. Bet you fifty bucks that I'm right."

    The second guy agrees, and they go off to the roof in question. During the walk to the building, the second guy's head clears a bit, and he figures out why the first guy's blue, red, and yellow costume with big red cape looked so familiar. He calls the bet off.

    :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
  7. On the subject of truly lame jokes:

    What goes 99 KLUNK, 99 KLUNK??

    A centipede with a wooden leg...
  8. A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"

  9. Q. why do women make better motorcycle riders :?:

    A. they have built in suction cups :LOL:
  10. whats fast, purple and jumps motorbikes over buses??

    Evil-plum-evil hahahah awesome
  11. And a lower centre of gravity....
  12. # Whats round and red and goes up and down? A cranberry on an elevator.

    # If a athlete get's athete's foot wha does an astronaut get? Mistle Toe.

    # Santa says to Mrs. Claws "Any idea what the weather will be like for Christmas?". Mrs Claws: "Look's like rain, dear"
  13. Mushroom walks into a bar.

    Barman: "We dont serve your kind around here"

    Mushroom: "Why not? Im a funghi"

    Damn thats lame..

    (Fun Guy) for those who dont get it.
  14. # How to you organize a spacey party? You planet.
  15. Two male mushrooms are walking down the road. Walking towards them is a female mushroom all dressed up. They look at her. She ignores them both and walks right by. Then, the one male mushroom, in a very high pitched mushroom voice, says to the oth er: "Jeez, she didn't even look at us. What's wrong? We are a really fun-gis!"
  16. lame jokes?

    What do you call a lady with one leg shorter than the other?


    Lame, get it???
  17. 2 antennas got married:

    The wedding was pretty poor but the reception was excellent :roll:
  18. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
  19. What do you call a geeky girl with too much time on her hands??

    eswen :p