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Ktulu's Safety Tips for the Double Demerit Points Weekend

Discussion in 'General Motorcycling Discussion' started by Ktulu, Apr 5, 2007.

  1. Alright boys and girls - we have a wonderful weekend coming up.
    Some of us will be using this time to ride, some will be partying, some will be remembering the real reason for the holiday as they celebrate the wonderful time when Jesus came to earth and turned rabbits into chocolate.

    Despite the generally positive notion upon which we all score a couple of days off work - this time of year can be exceedingly dangerous for our licenses, wallets and general well-being! :shock:

    So, with nought but concern for my fellow, beloved riders, I have endeavoured to identify some specific risks or situations we may find ourselves in, and come up with some ways we can better prepare for, or avoid them.

    If I've left anything out, please - for the greater good - contribute sensibly...

    Drunk Drivers
    As motorcyclists, we know that we can be right but still end up dead.
    Drunken motorists are unpredictable and dangerous!
    In order for us to best avoid them, we must understand them and how what is left of their brain works.

    Drunken motorists rarely drive for the pleasure of it: they are goal orientated drivers. They are usually headed home, or to somewhere for KFC, even if those bastards did discontinue the Hot Rods with the Ranch dipping sauce with the Xtreme Burger Combo Meal, large thanks with pepsi, for only $9.75...
    You should be paying attention not only to the road, and the drunk driver - but also to what is on the other side of you from the drunk driver.
    Many a sudden road maneuvre by an inebriated individual has cleaned up a fellow motorists - and the movement was only brought on by the fact that for a split second upon visual prompt: 20 Chicken McNuggets is suddenly the f*&%in best idea in the world!

    So look left and right.
    If on either your left or right is a drunk driver, immediately check the other side.

    If on the other side, you see "DRIVE THRU"... DANGER DANGER DANGER Get out of there asap.

    So you're at a party and you've had a few drinks. You rode because you look pretty darn cute in your bike gear & the hot redhead is stroking your helme*AHEM*
    Anyway, you feel ok but you're probably over the legal limit to ride home.
    What do you do?
    Well, it's not worth the risk of trying to talk your way out of an RBT. As soon as you blow 0.06, you're screwed - so this one is all preparation folks.

    The key is to drink SO MUCH, that the young officer stuck doing overtime on Good Friday simply can not believe the readout that their breathalyzer is giving them!
    Anything from .42 right up to "You are clinically dead." should see you sent on your way with a "Hmmm, that can't be right. Have a good night, buddy." - and there you are; free to ride home safe and sound!

    Unfortunately the way Double Demerits Points work, once you are doing more than 20k's over the limit, your license is probably as worthless as Germaine Greer's opinion.

    This does 2 things:

    1) It greatly raises the incentive to drive below the speed limit.

    2) It also greatly raises the incentive to try and run away from the cops if you're already speeding!

    The road-toll is a touchy issue around Easter time, and draws a lot of media attention. The last thing the HWY Patrol want on their conscience is the death of a young rider who just didn't want to lose his licence :arrow: job :arrow: family. So they're more than likely to just let you go if you run!

    Now you're probably wondering "Ktulu! Do you workout?" as well as "What about my number-plate?".
    The answers to these are "Well baby, I used to a bit, don't touch what you can't afford" and "Black electrical tape is a cheap and effective way to manipulate the lettering on your standard black-on-yellow plates. A short horizontal piece turns a 0 into an 8, a 7 becomes a Z, and so on. Thus creating false plates on your bike that are easily transformed back into the correct ones when required."

    Clean & clear.

    Your kids are going insane
    Sugar is present in chocolate [traditionally a main food group over the Easter break] and has a number of influences...
    It flavours our cakes, it preserves foodstuffs, it extends cut heroin making it more profitable.
    It also gives your kids energy.

    Sugar and food preservatives contribute significantly to cases of "Child locked in their room", "Child sedated", and "Child smothered with pillow... he wouldn't shut-up, oh god, he just wouldn't shut-up".
    It simply gives them too much energy for them to be properly controlled.

    To avoid the nuisance and heinous post-natal stress crimes; simply buy carab chocolate for your kids!
    Not only is it much, much lower in sugar, but the terrible taste results in the brain secreting over 100mg of "Disappoyntmint 157" into the child's system, calming them significantly!

    Parenting is just so easy

    But she'll get fat...
    It's no secret: women like chocolate - and the larger the piece of chocolate, the better.
    Men like women... unfortunately the rule for a man's desire relative to the size of the woman is INVERSELY proportional to the relationship between women and chocolate.

    Easter is a deadly time of year for our figures - and while men have solved the problem of chocolate consumption for themselves by using beer as a filling compound, so we can not fit extra foods like chocolate in; women require alternative methods and assistance...

    -Distract her!
    Women love being busy. She won't even have time to THINK about chocolate as long as there is ironing or washing to be done! So do your part, fellas - change your business shirt after each meal, scrunch it up into a ball, throw it in the basket, then complain loudly you have no work clothes.

    Not many people eat in their sleep... if your partner does, then chocolate is the least of your problems behind kitty litter, and dishwashing powder.
    Send your woman to sleep with a beautiful serenade and guitar solo, or a sensual massage, or a glass of champagne in a spa... or spike her tea with Rohypnol.

    You can't eat anything but bugs while you're on a motorbike.

  2. Im all for black tape this weekend.......woohoo thanks Ktula you have justified me using the top speed on my bike this weekend.

    NSW here I come

    best take some chocolate incase the PC is a girl.....Easy. :grin:
  3. Nice read!

    ...did you actually type it all?
  4. I'm fairly sure Ktulu has a mind-link with Netrider. He just thought about what he wanted to say and the words started appearing on the screen. Too easy. :LOL: :LOL:
  5. Ktulu has no arms or legs. I believe that he types everything, very carefully, using a toothpick held with his left eyelid. It's a painfiul, slow, labour of love. Treasure every word.
  6. You forgot the No1 tip.

    Use someone elses number plates and go speeding past all the cameras!
  7. Chocolate quota already blown, and the weekend hasn't even started yet.

    Now I need a drink.

    Thanks for the laffs, Ktulu.
  8. I loled at both posts. :LOL:
  9. Re: Ktulu's Safety Tips for the Double Demerit Points Weeken

    :rofl: GOLD. I'm sure you will get anger sticks pointed at you from the gods squad!!

    I wonder how many people are in thier garages right now with black tape and imaginations (me included) :rofl:
  10. How do they know of us, precious?

    Someone at school told your kid the Easter Bunny isn't real

    There comes a point in all of our lives when a certain level of innocence is lost. Occasionally it is by choice or personal discovery... other times it is forced upon us by sodding little bastards.
    Revelation on all matters Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and Toothfairy-esque - reveals you, as a parent, to be a liar! This is an unfair 3rd party transfer of trust out of the relationship you share with your child, and must be dealt with.
    Simply maintaining that the kid at school was lying or incorrect will not work, children are naturally suspicious.
    No, you must maintain a balance of truth for each story to satisfy your childs logic: namely that FIRST: The Easter Bunny did exist when you said he did. SECOND: The Easter Bunny does not exist currently.

    Here is a short story to explain to your child what became of the Easter Bunny:

    Once upon a time,

    The Easter Bunny was stealing the beer out of daddy's fridge in the garage. Suddenly a giant monster appeared, it had spikes all over it and enormous fangs that dripped with blood and parking fines.
    It forced the Easter Bunny to vote for the Democrats and eat brussel sprouts until his face exploded. THE END.

    And thus, faith in mum/dad is restored.
  11. jebus chrisht, what a day
    do you know how damn hard it is to fertilise an easter egg????
  12. Re: Ktulu's Safety Tips for the Double Demerit Points Weeken

    I am. Best advice ever :D
  13. I have a horribly faded NSW plate, those that know about the early 90's number plates in NSW will know what I mean...the reflective paint is not any more, and has changed colour to streaky grey/green/yellow. Who needs tape! :twisted:
    Dunno how much longer it will pass rego though.

    Regards, Andrew.
  14. lol, ride the bike AND have a big night out :grin: Can't believe i didn't think of this sooner! :LOL:
  15. Anyone else happy to vote for Ktulu for President of the Fun Squad??

    Just fabulous stuff, mate, right up there with your Motorcycle Accessemories.

    and, in the "Chuck Norris etc " vein...

    "Ktulu does not type; words beg to be thought by him, and paper slavers at his door." :LOL:
  16. Very good Ktulu! LMAO!
    Another minor thing I did to my plate (back in my naughty days) was strip the whole thing back, and paint it matte white. Then I painted the letters back on and covered the luminator for the plate. Hey presto, theres an invisible plate for cameras.
    There was also a product, back a few years ago, that you spray on and it would actually reflect so much that flash cameras would just pick up a blur. I never saw it, but heard about it.
    You could do the whole flip the rego over the plate, but best bet is to choose where you want to be naughty.
  17. Lot of good black tape will do ya... 88PSI? OOPST? but wait... don't you have white letters on black background?
  18. Re: Ktulu's Safety Tips for the Double Demerit Points Weeken

    And if you are 20 kays over, your going to lose your licence anyway, so you might has well go even faster :twisted:
  19. hahaha, that's great stuff Ktulu