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just jokes

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by DKX65, Feb 11, 2012.

  1. do you know the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain.[no].OH so your the one.:-s:|:

  2. #3 jag131990, Feb 11, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 24, 2015
  3. Listen, I'm calling to apologise. I went to a party last night, and got wasted. I think it was at your house but I'm not sure. Tell me, do you have a gold plated toilet?

    Hold on a moment. (muffled) Hey Harry! I think I got the bloke who pissed in your saxophone here...
  4. what do you get when you cross a jew with a mongaloid ?

    a cager.
  5. :busting::rofl:
  6. What's 6 inches long and won't be getting sucked on valentines day ? Whitney houstans crack pipe
  7. what's her next film

    The bodybag
  8. cager drives into a bar.

    barman says "wtf you stupid cager retard !

    cager says "sorry big ****ing brick building, i did'nt see you.
  9. My Filipino girlfriend says a small penis shouldn't effect our sex life.

    Still I'd prefer it if she didn't have one.
    • Like Like x 4

  10. :rofl:
  11. :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


    The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
    Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
    The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
    Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
    The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
    'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

    A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
    The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
    The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
    The preacher said, 'No shit?'

    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
    With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
    After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
    'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'

    'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

    One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
    'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly..'

    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
    Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

    Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
    A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
  13. A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husbands temper and threatening manner.
    The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
    The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around.."
    The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

    The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water.. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
    How does the water do that?"
    The Doctor says: "The water does buggar all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick....."
  14. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic with an insomniac? Someone who lays awake all night wondering if there's a dog.
    A Hells Angels with a mormon? Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to fuck off
    • Like Like x 2
  15. A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi would get together and someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

    They decided they would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion and later discuss their experiences.

    Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, said, 'I went into the woods and when I found the bear, I read him the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

    Reverend Billy Bob was in a wheelchair, with one arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. He exclaimed, 'Well brothers, you know that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went and I found me a bear, then I began to read from God's Holy Word! That bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. Just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. . . Hallelujah!

    The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

    The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it. . . circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
  16. One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
    He immediately goes to hell, where
    the devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do here,"
    says the devil.. "You are on my
    list, but I have no room for you.
    You definitely have to stay here,
    so I'll tell you what I'm going to
    do. I've got a few folks here
    who weren't quite as bad as you.
    I'll let one of them go, but you
    have to take their place. I'll even
    let YOU decide who leaves."

    George thought that sounded
    pretty good, so the devil opened
    the door to the first room.

    In it was Ted Kennedy and a
    large pool of water. Ted kept
    diving in, and surfacing, empty
    handed. Over, and over, and
    over he dived in and surfaced
    with nothing. Such was his fate
    in hell.

    "No," George said. "I don't think
    so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
    I don't think I could do that all
    day long."

    The devil led him to the door of
    the next room.

    In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
    hammer and a room full of rocks.
    All he did was swing that hammer,
    time after time after time.

    "No, this is no good; I've got
    this problem with my shoulder.
    I would be in constant agony if
    all I could do was break rocks
    all day," commented George .

    The devil opened a third door.
    Through it, George saw Bill
    Clinton, lying on the bed, his
    arms tied over his head, and his
    legs restrained in a spread-eagle
    pose. Bent over him was Monica
    Lewinsky, doing what she does

    George looked at this in shocked
    disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
    man, I can handle this."

    The devil smiled and said...........

    (This is priceless...)

    "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Why do women have periods?

    Because they deserve them. :bolt:
  18. Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
    A: To corrupt the other side.
    Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
    A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.
    Q: What has four legs and an arm?
    A: A happy pit bull.
    Q: What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?
    A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!
    • Like Like x 1
  19. what do you get when you cross a pitbull with a shitzu ?

    a bullshit
    • Like Like x 1