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Jokes from the Females

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by shabby, Feb 6, 2005.

  1. My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f**king red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

    My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

    A couple are lying in bed and the man says, "I am going to make you he happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."

    Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour.

    He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.

    He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?' She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.

    He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?' She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'.

    Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes.

    Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?

    A: They can't stand criticism.

    Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
    A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

    Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    A: The same urge that makes dogs chases cars they have no intention of driving.
  2. I'm not saying if I agree with these or not, but you gotta balance it, right?

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
    probably never be able to support you.

    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
    Why do men break wind more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told.

    I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was

    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
    drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
  3. First God created man, then god created woman as everyone knows you need a rough draft before a masterpiece :cool:
  4. They call it P.M.S. because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

    *runs and hides*
  5. Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow Disease and PMS?

    A. The number of t*ts.

    • Like Like x 1
  6. Q. Why do women wear white on their wedding day?

    A. All kitchen appliances come in white.
  7. Q. How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A. None - let the biatch cook in the dark.
    • Like Like x 1
  8. why was the woman crossing the road?

    thats not the point, what was she doing out of the kitchen!
    > >
    > >For all who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish
    > >you weren't married.. this is something to smile about the next time you
    > >see a bottle of wine:
    > >
    > >Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
    > >Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the
    > >road.
    > >
    > >As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
    > >Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
    > >
    > >With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
    > >
    > >Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
    > >with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently
    > >at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
    > >brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
    > >
    > >'"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
    > >
    > >Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I
    > >got it for my husband."
    > >
    > >The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
    > >
    > >Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said...
    > >
    > >"Good trade."
  10. I dont get this
  11. Probably because you are only aged six. :grin:
  12. How do you make a woman orgasm?

    Who gives a shit!
  13. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

    Nothing. She obviously hasn't listened twice already.
  14. Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.

    What is that useless piece of skin called around a vagina?
    The woman!

    What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A battery has a positive side.

    Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
    He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

    "feminist with a sense of humour"

  15. That is gold.
  16. Nine words women use...

    1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

    2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

    4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

    5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

    8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F#CK YOU!

    9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
  17. Note found on the refrigerator one morning:

    My Dear Honey
    You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
    being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I
    value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that
    you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
    with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
    Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight."

    When the man came home late that night, he found the following
    letter on the dining room table:

    My Dear Husband,
    I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my
    being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that
    you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
    college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I wil l be at
    the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant
    tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

    As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math,
    you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
    small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
    Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow. :p :LOL:
  18. bringing it back !
  19. Didn't really need to.

    Looks like we had some real sensitive new age guys then too.:ROFLMAO:
  20. No, just guys who aren't too pussy whipped to have a sense of humour.
    • Like Like x 1