My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f**king red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. A couple are lying in bed and the man says, "I am going to make you he happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you." Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour. He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded. He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?' She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'. He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?' She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife. Q: Why do men want to marry virgins? A: They can't stand criticism. Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends. Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chases cars they have no intention of driving.