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Joke of the day

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by Rus Ler, May 1, 2016.

  1. OK troops, its starting to get cold and wet so we need a daily joke to cheer us up! Please feel free to contribute.

    The old gunsmith finally broke down and got a hearing aid. Really made a remarkable difference in how well he heard. About a week after he got it, a friend asked him how he liked it.

    "Well," he says, "just fine. Can hear things clear across the room now."

    "My, that's wonderful," said the friend. "And, how do your kids like it?"

    "Don't really know," was the reply. "But, I've changed my will three times since I got it!"


    Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf!

    Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

    New Book

    A man goes into Book shop and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"

    She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

    "That's the one” he said, I'll take a copy…"
    • Like Like x 2

  2. Justus.
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Winner Winner x 1
  3. A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asksthe first girl, "Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
    She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says," Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

    St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

    All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Agatha! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her ass in it."
    • Funny Funny x 10
    • Like Like x 2
  4. image.
    • Funny Funny x 6
    • Agree Agree x 1
  5. Amen to that!!
  6. adonimages.
    • Funny Funny x 2
  7. I cannot remember where I found this, but it goes well with Australian humour:

    That reminds me of a US biker I read about, he hit and injured a skunk that ran out in the road near his home. His wife an animal lover who was riding pillion with him was a bit upset and wanted them pick it up to take it to the local vet.

    He agreed but it was a sports bike they were riding it had limited carrying capacity for the injured animal. It was also a cold day and getting dark. His wife said they should keep the injured skunk warm. Her husband suggested as he was riding the bike she should pick up the the skunk and keep it warm by carrying it down the front of her panties like kangaroos do with their joeys/ baby kangaroos. Then they'd take it to the vets.

    A bit concerned she said "What about the smell"?, he replied "It'll have to get used to it"!
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  8. My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
    She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
    To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, biatch."
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  9. getting older is no joke

    I found my first grey pube the other day

    unfortunately it was in a kebab
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Winner Winner x 2
  10. Could have been worse
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. hilarious - I love fart jokes
  12. Reminds me of an old one. A man and a woman decide to make a few bucks by smuggling restricted animals. They sign up and get allocated a skunk and a young carpet snake, a bit over a foot long. So, as they drive to the airport the man explains his plan.

    "I'll drop the snake down my slacks and you tuck the skunk into your knickers. If anybody sees the snake or notices it move, I'll put my arm around your waist and wiggle my eyebrows at them, and they'll think I have a hard on."
    "Ok, so what about the skunk?"
    "I told you, slip it in your knickers."
    "But what about the smell?"
    "If it dies, it dies..."
  13. Two caterpillars are chewing away happily on a leaf, when they see a butterfly fly close by.
    "Isn't progress wonderful?" says one. The other replies "I suppose so... but you'll never get me up in one of those"
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 2
  14. image.
    • Funny Funny x 7
  15. Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers in his hand.

    She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

    She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up,rips her knickers off and says:

    'This is for the flowers!'

    'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
    • Funny Funny x 7
    • Like Like x 4
  16. Paddy and Mick were looking for work, walking past a timber yard there was a sign out the front "tree fellers wanted", Ah tis a pity Mick that there's only two of us"
    • Funny Funny x 8
  17. Mike and Mick are walking past the newsagents where there is a poster advertising the latest headlines which reads
    "two men wanted for $4 million bank job"......Mike says to Mick.....would you look at that, some blokes get all the good jobs.
    • Funny Funny x 4
  18. dogpoo.
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  19. Little Johnny is sitting on the footpath using a bottle of sulphuric acid to burn ants.....when the local priest walks up to him and asks him what he is doing. Just playing with my bottle of acid father. The priest somewhat shocked, decides to give little Johnny an example to get him to stop using this dangerous item.
    You should not play with acid young man, it is dangerous and perhaps you should use a bottle of holy water instead. I have just come from the hospital, where I placed a cross of holy water on Mrs Jones' forehead and she passed her baby.
    That's nothin' says little Johnny......I just put some of my sulphuric acid on a dogs balls....and it passed a car!
    • Funny Funny x 4

    For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

    His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

    The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

    So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

    Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.

    Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

    I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no fcukin' bike.
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Winner Winner x 4