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john howard jokes

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by rat man407, Aug 23, 2012.

  1. John Howard called Peter Costello into his office one day and said, "Peter I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters."
    "Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Peter.
    "Well," said Howard, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush."
    "Right," said Peter. Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. Walked in with the dog and up to the bar.
    "G,day mate," said Howard, to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer."
    "Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".
    Howard and Costello stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
    All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted it's tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five stockman came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
    Eventually, Howard and Costello could stand it no longer and called the Barman over.
    "Tell me," said Howard, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"
    "Strewth no!" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and told them that there was a Cattle dog in this bar with two arseholes!"


     
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  2. John Howard was jogging when he tripped and landed in Lake Burley-Griffen. Three kids were playing on the bank and dragged him out of the water before his bodyguards could get to him. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
    I want to go to Disneyland, said the first kid. No problem, said John Howard. I'll take you there on an air force jet.
    I want a pair of Nike Air Jordans, said the second kid. No problem, l'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them! said the Prime Minister.
    I want a motorised wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo!said the third kid. John Howard was a little perplexed and said, But you don't look like you need a wheelchair.
    I friggin will after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning, said the kid.
     
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  3. Prime Minister John Howard was visiting a primary school and he went into one of the classes.

    They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

    The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

    One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on A farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".

    "No," said Howard, "that would be an accident."


    A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty Children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

    "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss."

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

    John Howard searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

    Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Howard was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

    "Fantastic!" exclaimed John Howard. "That's right.

    And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

    "Well," says little Johnny "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fu**ing accident either."
     
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  4. You know that was an old Paul Keating joke from the nineties right?
     
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  5. The tragedy one I know has Julia, and a couple of other ministers on it. For the sake of continuity, I'll plug John Howard into this one...

    Howard, Obama and Queen Elizabeth are flying in a jumbo jet, which develops problems, and consequently plunges into the Atlantic with the loss of all on board.

    They descend to Hell, where they are met by the Devil, who informs them that before they are assigned to their respective Hell duties, they are each entitled to one phone call, but they have to pay for it.

    Obama says, "I need to speak to Congress about some important bills coming up." "Fine", says the Devil, the phone is over there. Obama spends around 10 minutes chatting on the phone, hangs up, and returns to the group. "That'll be 10 million dollars", says the Devil. Obama writes him a cheque.

    The Queen says, "I need to speak to Phil about my funeral." "Go for it", the Devil replies. The Queen spends around 20 minutes on the phone. "That'll be 25 million dollars", says the Devil. She hands over some of the crown jewels, which she happens to have with her.

    Howard says, "I need to speak to Peter about the upcoming budget." "Feel free", says the Devil. Howard spends around 2 hours on the phone, then returns. "That'll be 50 cents", says the Devil. Howard hands over the money out of his pocket.

    "Hang on", Obama says. "How come HIS phone bill is so cheap?"

    The Devil replies, "Howard's already dragged Australia into the pits of Hell, so it's a local call."
     
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  6. i was only born in the 90's so no i don't remember it
     
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  7. Young whipper snapper 8-[
     
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  8. The 90's i remember them....i think 8-[
     
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  9. Witrh love from john
     
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  10. One I remember from when the GST just came in...
    What's the battle cry of John Howard's army?
    CHAAAAARGE! Then CHARGE 10% MOOOOORE!
     
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  11. Dont forget the recession we had to have and the carbon tax that nobody wants needs or can explain:confused:
     
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  12. :nopity:

    You know the other posts are jokes, right?

    Now I have to post one to say on topic...



    John Howard was being briefed on the day's events on the War on Terror. Defence Chief Peter Cosgrove told him, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

    "OH NO!" exclaimed Mr. Howard. "That's terrible!"

    His staff was stunned at his dismay and nervously watched as he held his head in his hands.

    Finally, John looked up and asked, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
     
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  13. Yeh i knew the others are jokes but i figured any politcal joke would do and Keating & Gillard are certainly that.(y)
     
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