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Jesus

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by MattyB, Aug 28, 2006.

  1. Jesus walks into a bar. He looks around, then approaches three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greets the first one: “What’s troubling you, brother?” he says. “My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can’t see.” Jesus touches the man, who cheers and runs outside to tell the world about his new 20-20 vision. The next gentleman can’t hear Jesus’s questions, so The Lord lays his hands on the man’s ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, runs out the door, yelling to the world about the glory of being able to hear again. “Anyone else?” The Lord asks, turning to the third man. The man screams, leaps up from his chair and backs up against the wall, before Jesus could get anywhere near him. “Get away from me, man!” he yells. “I’m on disability!”...
    Jesus walks into a bar. He looks around, then approaches three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greets the first one: “What’s troubling you, brother?” he says. “My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can’t see.” Jesus touches the man, who cheers and runs outside to tell the world about his new 20-20 vision. The next gentleman can’t hear Jesus’s questions, so The Lord lays his hands on the man’s ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, runs out the door, yelling to the world about the glory of being able to hear again. “Anyone else?” The Lord asks, turning to the third man. The man screams, leaps up from his chair and backs up against the wall, before Jesus could get anywhere near him. “Get away from me, man!” he yells. “I’m on disability!”...Jesus walks into a bar. He looks around, then approaches three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greets the first one: “What’s troubling you, brother?” he says. “My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can’t see.” Jesus touches the man, who cheers and runs outside to tell the world about his new 20-20 vision. The next gentleman can’t hear Jesus’s questions, so The Lord lays his hands on the man’s ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, runs out the door, yelling to the world about the glory of being able to hear again. “Anyone else?” The Lord asks, turning to the third man. The man screams, leaps up from his chair and backs up against the wall, before Jesus could get anywhere near him. “Get away from me, man!” he yells. “I’m on compo!!”...


     
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  2. isn't that the same joke just pasted 4 times???

    good one though
     
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  3. *ahem*

    3 times... :p

    personally I liked the second one the best :LOL:
     
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  4. I find it offensive {runs and hides} :LOL:
     
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  5. Ok, while we have a religious joke thread going And 'cause we all like anoying Paul

    Just minutes before the church services started the people were sitting in their pews and talking.
    Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
    Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly, without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
    God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
    So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know whoI am?
    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
    "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
    "Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
    "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
    "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
    "Do you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"
    "Yep," was the calm reply.
    "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
    "Nope. "
    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
    The man calmly replied, "...Been married to your sister for 45 years."
     
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  6. ...or the alternative ending:

    ..."Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
    "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
    "Do you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"
    "Yep," was the calm reply.
    "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
    "Nope. "

    The old man says, "well it seems to me there aint nothin I can do, so I dont see the point of running... there sure aint nothin you can't do and no place you can't go... but I figure you're a sportin man... how's about a wager... I'll give you my soul if I lose... "

    Intrigued, Satan says, "A wager... <evil laugh> name it. What's the bet old man!"

    "I'ma bettin there's one thing you can't do." drawls the old man.

    Satan almost offended at the suggestion, laughs derisively, "Bah! You're stalling for time old man. There's nothing I can't do and no place I can't go!" and for effect satan lets off some thunder and lightning.

    The man completely unpeterbed looks at Satan dead in the eyes and says, "Get lost."
     
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  7. No, I don't think that one will offend him
    He's not a Satanist :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
     
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  8. Good all-round, guys :grin:

    I do remember a cartoon strip once of a man who wishes his wife would go to hell. In the last panel the Devil brings her back, saying something like, "As if the place isn't bad enough as it is!"
     
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