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Jack Bauer - Top 100 Facts

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by DRzilla, Mar 26, 2009.

  1. 1. The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

    2. Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.

    3. Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.

    4. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

    5. Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

    6. If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.

    7. My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.

    8. Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.

    9. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

    10. Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.

    11. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

    12. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

    13. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

    14. There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.

    15. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

    16. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

    17. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

    18. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

    19. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fcuking beef.

    20. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fcuking hates lemonade.

    21. The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

    22. Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

    23. A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.

    24. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

    25. American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.

    26. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

    27. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

    28. It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

    29. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

    30. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

    31. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

    32. Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

    33. When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

    34. Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."

    35. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

    36. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

    37. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

    38. Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.

    39. Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's fcuking Jack Bauer.

    40. The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.

    41. In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.

    42. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fcuk have you done with your life?

    43. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

    44. RIP Edgar If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted. :(

    45. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

    46. Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

    47. Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.

    48. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

    49. Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

    50. Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.

    51. When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

    52. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

    53. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fcuking do it.

    54. Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.

    55. Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.

    56. Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fcuking dead."

    57. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

    58. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

    59. In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?

    60. Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

    61. Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.

    62. Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

    63. In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."

    64. You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.

    65. Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.

    66. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real
    67. Once Jack Bauer becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.

    68. Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.

    69. Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.

    70. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

    71. Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

    72. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

    73. When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

    74. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

    75. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.

    76. If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

    77. Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex. Why? Because Jack Bauer never fcuks up.

    78. There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.

    79. "Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fcuked".

    80. Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.

    81. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

    82. The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.

    83. Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.

    84. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

    85. When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

    86. Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.

    87. Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

    88. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

    89. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

    90. Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.

    91. Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

    92. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

    93. Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.

    94. Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake. The snake died.

    95. It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

    96. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

    97. Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.

    98. The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.

    99. During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

    100. If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
  2. OK, by this point, I had to get a tissue to remove the tears of laughter from my eyes. :LOL:

    No doubt about it, Jack Bauer is the bomb.
  3. Sif this isn't a ripoff of Chuck Norris... better hope he doesn't find out...

    Also Chuck Norris doesn't do pushups, he pushes the earth down.
  4. +1
  5. plus there is a couple of repeat statements, although I could be seeing things...
  7. 62. Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

    My favourite :)
  8. 68. Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.

    So unreasonable it's hilarious. :LOL:
  9. Classic :p