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Insert your Xmas jokes here

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by MelbourneMick, Dec 7, 2011.

  1. Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who sold his soul to Santa ?

  2. deer santa:
    I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
    Yer Frend,
    Dear Billy,
    Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I give you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

    Dear Santa,
    I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
    and joy in the world for everybody!

    Dear Sarah,
    Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

    Dear Santa,
    I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

    Dear Teddy,
    Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?

    Dear Santa,
    I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

    Dear Francis,
    Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? I giving you a doll instead because I bet you're gay.

    Dear Santa ,
    I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

    Dear Susan,
    Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jack Daniels.

    Dear Santa,
    What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
    Your friend,

    Dear Thomas,
    All the toys are made by little kids like you in China . Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
    Tell your mom she got the part.

    Dear Santa,
    Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
    awake, like in the song?

    Dear Jessica,
    Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

    Dear Santa,
    I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE
    could I have one?

    That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.

    Dearest Santa,
    We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

    First, stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
    Sweet Dreams,
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  5. [​IMG]

    What do you call Santa's helpers?
    Subordinate clauses.

    Santa's running late, the presents are behind schedule and there are problems with the elf union again, so he's understandably a little tense. On Christmas Eve, there are still thousands of presents to make, and only a few hours left. Luckily an angel sees Santa is upset, so she brings him a large and brushy christmas tree to cheer him up. "Here you are, Nick" she says, "where can I stick this lovely tree?"

    And that was the start of the tradition of the angel on the Christmas tree.
  6. hahahaha brilliant!
  7. A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas-after all, they've only known each other for three weeks. Romantic, yet not too personal. Accompanied by her younger sister, he goes to the mall and buys a pair of white gloves. The sister picks up a pair of panties for herself. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels. The sister gets the gloves, the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties. Without checking, the guy rushes the suspect gift to his sweetie, after drafting this loving & helpful note...

    "I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.

    P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

    • Like Like x 1
  8. Hmm... Christmas joke... waaaait: isn't CHRISTMAS the joke?!? Supposed to be friends, family, blah blah: it's just anther bloody sale!
  9. suppose to be about religion you mean
  10. Saturnalia? Yule? The feast of the Son of Isis?
  11. Christmas on the 25th Dec is a joke in itself :)
  12. Well the Jehovah's think that way
  13. Has one year really gone that quick, or is this comment a serious case of de javu mate (y)

    MelbourneMick, I wouldn't be putting Goz and Jehova's in the same context.. LOL
  14. wow not bad at all. Took a few days for this thread to turn to s.h.i.t. and go way off topic instead of the normal few hours.
  15. Spot on, mate !

    Okay, baaaaaack on topic... Here's another ;)

    10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren't

    10. Did you get any under the tree?
    9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
    8. Check out Rudolph's Honker!
    7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
    6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
    5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
    4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
    3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
    2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
    1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

    • Like Like x 1
  16. Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ?
    It was a moth ball !

    OMG that was bad...
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Cheers but where's your joke !
  18. Why is Santa’s sack so big ?

    He only comes once a year.

    Boom, tish !
  19. a good 5 minutes before you posted that! =D>