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Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by DarkHorse, May 9, 2010.

  1. Shamelessly poached from another forum:

    The 1st Affair

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep
    and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
    "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

    "I can't lie to you," he replied,

    "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

    She looked down at his shoes and said:

    "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"


    The 2nd Affair

    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
    about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
    The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was
    horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife:
    "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful
    daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

    The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

    "Not this time!"


    The 3rd Affair
    A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
    Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
    Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr.
    Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

    "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

    "My God!" the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead!"

    The 4th Affair

    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
    the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
    She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
    "Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're a statue."

    "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

    "Oh it's a statue," she replied," the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us too. No more was said, not even when they went
    to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
    "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

    The 5th Affair

    A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer."Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
    "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:-
    "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
    "A nickel," the barman replied.
    A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
    The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

    The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

    The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


    The 6th Affair

    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said
    weakly: I have something I must confess."
    "There's no need to, "his wife replied.
    "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your
    best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

    "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
  2. I like # 5 lol
  3. ...I like number 6!!....:demon:
  4. Har har.

    TRUE story from a Dr I know from when he was working in Emergency Dept.

    They received an older man by ambulance wearing nothing but socks, had already died of cardiac arrest , and there was nothing they could do but the paperwork.

    While doing said paperwork, another bloke turns up in ED insisting that he needs dead man's car keys. When asked why, he said that he needed to get dead man's car out of his sister's driveway before her husband got home.
  5. And he had his car keys where exactly...?
  6. Hey hey... you're ruining the "true story" :p
  7. Yes number 6 for me too : )
  8. In his placcy bag of patient's possessions with his wallet and clothes, I presume.

    That's how they usually transport them. :)
  9. ooh ooh ooh, another story, from same Dr, please excuse the tangent.

    From when he was palliating a stately old lady, she was dying of cancer, in her 80's.

    He dropped by to give her regular dose of morphine, drew it up into the syringe and said, "its just going to be a little prick".

    "thats okay, dear" she replied, "you have nice eyes".

  10. :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

    I like all of them...................:LOL:
  11. seen some before, very good :)
  12. Haha!! I feel bad for laughing! :demon: