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Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by Tweetster, Mar 18, 2010.
.....can someone send me a joke to post up here that will score more than 6/10???
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
Hey!!... that's not bad!!... >
..must at least be a 7!!
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "But this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
ha,ha!!... good one too!!...
.. keep 'em coming and I'll have a good selection to choose from for the next few weeks!! ...
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Now that one is funny!!....
.. see, all this talent was going wasted!!...
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a
nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today, and
I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with
his penis hanging out of his pajamas.
"Mr. Goldstein," said Nurse Tracy, "You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like this. Please put your penis back inside your
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday
that my penis died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."
..oh!.. now that's big!!
The joke about the man who shoots his hunting buddy was voted the funniest joke in the world some years back.....
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Yeah that's why I posted it...if Tweets is after the best joke, better post the best... (as voted by humans anyway)
He,he!!... smart kid!! :grin:
Hey!!.. I should have put a poll on here to vote for the best jokes!!.. :-k
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
^and that was voted best joke in UK :wink:
Top Joke in Northern Ireland:
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
OMG!..OMG!!... they are coming thick and fast now!!.. (oh!.. that sounds vaguely rude!!....:-s )
One day mom was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet she found an S&M magazine.
This was very upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
lmao @ Uncles joke...
A little disturbing that username Uncle posts that joke involving character Uncle Walt...
Yeah...a joke about an uncle...posted by the uncle.....hmmmmmmm....
edit:.....okay, right so didn't check the page 2 comment....crap.
So +1 then