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I'm going to start my own religion...

Discussion in 'The Pub' started by 2up, Jan 5, 2009.

  1. Starting Your Own Religion?

    Before jumping into such a massive undertaking, you must first examine the underlying reasons for actually starting a new religion. Starting a new religion is not for everyone, so consider your motivations carefully. For example, getting high one night and starting a religion based upon the worship of your sacred bong Bertha is not necessarily a good idea. Even if it seems like a good idea at the time, it’s almost guaranteed that it won’t the next day. If by chance it still does, then you should probably reexamine your lifestyle and consider smoking less pot (or inviting me over more often to share the green). Likewise, schizophrenia and delusions of grandeur are not valid reasons for starting your own religion. Greed, however, is. Starting a new religion in order to gain tax exemption and to launder money from your followers is a perfectly legitimate career option, and one that you are guaranteed not to learn in school.

    Where To Begin: Ideas for Starting a New Religion

    Even if you are less than creative, there is always the original idea of starting your own religion by deriving it from a preexisting one. Try creating a new Christian sect. For example, Christians for Satan, Satanists for Jesus, Satanist Christians for Kevin Rudd, etc.. The possibilities are endless. You could try claiming to be the human incarnate of the messiah visiting Earth to save mankind. Unfortunately, few people will believe you. Only one person has successfully pulled this off and that was over 2,000 years ago. Even then, he had to be crucified and then raised from the dead before anyone would believe him. Not to mention the book they wrote about him, which narrowly missed the bestseller’s list. If you are unsure of your miraculous powers, you may not want to try this. You could choose to worship someone famous as the messiah instead, as people are much more likely to believe in them. Try, for example, Christians for the Worship of David Bowie as the Second Coming of the Messiah.

    Attracting Followers:

    In order to gain followers, you must promise them something. Fortunately, this can be something entirely intangible, such as eternal happiness in heaven. If this is not enough, threaten them with eternal damnation in the fiery pits of Newark. If you still are having trouble attracting followers, try impressing people with your unusual talents. These can be physical, mental, or supernatural. If you have none of the above, try plastic surgery. Here’s an idea: have a plastic surgeon remove your navel so that you can claim that you have no mortal parents and actually sprang forth from the ass of a heavenly creature (say, Madonna).

    Erecting a Temple:

    Erecting a temple, A.K.A. improving your house, is perhaps the most important step in creating your very own religion. In order to receive tax-exemption, your house must be designated a place of worship. The first step in building a temple is to collect money from your converts. In order to avoid having droves of followers in your house at all time, use a tiny portion of the money to construct a small annex for worshippers and use the rest to construct a swimming pool for yourself. Hold services whenever you need to have the pool cleaned.

    Moving to Guam:

    It was fun while it lasted, but all good things must end. Eventually the authorities will catch up with you. Therefore, you must prepare in advance. Store excess funds in foreign banks and purchase "vacation" homes in exotic locations. Be sure to book airplane tickets at the first sign of trouble. You may feel that you have lost everything, but on the bright side, you can always start all over again. You now have an untapped pool of ignorant non-believers to spread the good word to. And spread the good word you will, for it is your duty to save the sinner’s souls.
  2. Actually it came to me an an Email so I had no idea who the author was.
    Sorry, I'll bet this is the first time this sort of thing has happened on the internet.
  3. Throw in the promise of healthy smatterings of sex :bannanabutt: -like the Bagwan and the orange people with his off sider Sheila, =; naturally all in the name of religious premises-and you on a sure fire winner. :dance:
    Them tax incentives are a real bonus too. Your brekky cereal, brought to you by good folks at Sanitarium-tax free income baby :shock:
  4. Blasphemy!

    There is only the one and true godess!

    Spaghetti be praised and all her noodley appendages to be pleasured by her loyal followers!
  5. The only difference between religion and a cult is the number on people.
  6. Still, if I could beat my conscience into submission I could totally handle L. Ron's lifestyle...
  7. Living on a boat in exile?

    Nah not for me...

    I'd take Muhammed's lifestyle in a second. Food, armies and not to mention the Harem!

    No kid rooting for me but the rest of it I would take hands down! .... Well erm I would probably not be hanging out in mountain caves with Angels either but beside the point!

    72 well seasoned women in my harem (seasoned by me of course :cool: )

    Plenty of soldiers to keep my interests safe and lots of food!

    Gods be praised for the food!
  8. what happened to spaghetti?
  9. I ate it....
  10. :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
  11. If I ever get the urge to climb up out of my mental slothfulness and actually discover some secret cache of willpower, I would start a religion banning work on any day of the week ending with the letter "y".
    This religion I feel, would be attractive to many.
  12. Except it has one fundamental flaw. It would be massively underfunded. ;)
  13. All hail VicSlick, master of the universe.

    Don't bother passing the collection plate, cos no-one would have any money.
    You will have to settle for the Virgins.
  14. Virgins??
    Then I have to break them in!! :p
  15. I think we will worship Barbie...
    Praise be to our saviour Barbie.