Sydney would be J-Lo - Quality all over, but especially good down back. West Coast would be Kylie Minogue - very decent despite not having much up front. Fremantle would be Danii Minogue - Always trying hard to be as good as her big sister, but will never measure up. The butt of everyone's jokes. St Kilda would be Krystal from Big Brother - has the biggest and best assets going around, but we all know they're not the real deal. Brisbane would be Elle MacPherson - past her glorious best but still easy on the eye and an old favourite with most. Port Power would be Madonna - also past her glorious best, but refuses to accept it gracefully. Carlton would be Whitney Houston - has not looked after herself in recent years and has gone completely off the rails. Adelaide would be Delta Goodrem - tidy, attractive, professional and uncontroversial. Nice to look at, but for some reason just makes you want to yawn. Geelong would be Britney Spears - at times can look stunning, at others it can get ugly. Essendon would be Katie Holmes - has a certifiable psycho in charge of her every move. Has lost credibility in recent times. The Kangaroos would be Paris Hilton - lays down way too easily. Richmond would be Annabel Chong - can cop a pounding and keep coming back for more, all in the name of self-improvement. Western Bulldogs would be Shakira - proof that being short is no barrier to getting you excited. Will only get better too. Hawthorn would be Christina Aguilera - looks like she enjoys it rough and dirty. Melbourne would be Princess Di - may be a blue blood, but hasn't done anything for a while. Collingwood would be Amelie Mauresmo - last woman on Earth scenario: you still wouldn't.