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Hump Day Funny - How to annoy people

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by pvda, Mar 22, 2006.

  1. Back by popular demand (well not really, I just felt like posting it) here is a middle of the working week joke.

    Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

    Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

    Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

    If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

    Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

    Speak only in a "robot" voice.

    Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

    Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

    Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

    Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

    Sniffle incessantly.

    Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

    Name your dog "Dog."

    Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

    Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

    Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

    Forget the punchline to a very long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

    Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

    Practice making fax and modem noises.

    Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

    Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

    Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

    Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

    Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

    Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

    Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

    Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

    Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

    Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

    Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

    Drum on every available surface.

    Staple papers in the middle of the page.

    Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

    Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

    Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

    Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

    Set alarms for random times.

    Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

    Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

    Honk and wave to strangers.

    Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

    Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

    Wear your pants backwards.

    Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

    Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

    Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

    Pay for your dinner with pennies.

    Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

    Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

    Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

    Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

    Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

    Light road flares on a birthday cake.

    Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

    Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

    At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

    When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

    Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

    As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

    Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

    Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

    Drive half a block.

    Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

    Ask people what gender they are.

    Lick the filling out of all the biscuits, and place the cookie parts back.

    Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

    Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

    While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

    Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

    Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

    Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

    Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

    Wear a LOT of cologne.

    Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

    Sing along at the opera.

    Mow your lawn with scissors.

    At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

    Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

    Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

    Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

    Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

    Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

    Never make eye contact.

    Never break eye contact.

    Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

    Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
  2. Where is a humorator when you need one?

  3. A delightful demonstration of two key principles:

    a) if some is good, more isn't always better, and
    b) you need to open a lot of oysters before you find a pearl.

    Nevertheless, the list has the benefits of broad appeal, with something for everyone. On balance, it receives a Humourator's commendation.

    You've been Humourated!
  4. You're right, it was a bit big and I probably should've separated the chaff from the hay so to speak before I posted it........
  5. a bit long but there was some funny ones that i will have to try once i get off night shifts hahaha :LOL: :LOL: