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heaven (fairly long)

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by Tack, Apr 30, 2005.

  1. Bob had been a bit sick for a while and finally his days on earth end. He had lived a good life with a good job as a bike mechanic, married a beautiful women, had 2 great kids, a nice house and best of all, ownership of a long list of Kawasaki bikes.

    Bob had taken every opportunity during his life to get on his bike and go for a fang. He’d done a few track days and was told by other racers that he was a quality rider and should have a go at racing. He’d often gone to the track to see the top guys race and watched every GP on telly. He longed to get out there and have a go. However family life had always come first and so he never got the chance to see how good he was.

    So Bob gets into heaven and stands before St Peter who is checking over Bob’s life.

    “You’ve been a good bloke.” Says St Peter. “You’ve led a good life on earth. I see that you have been a good rider too. I reckon you should be rewarded. ”

    “Thanks.” Says Bob.

    “Come along with me and I’ll show you what we have in mind for you.” says St Peter with a big smile on his face.

    St Peter takes Bob out to this beautiful racetrack. It’s the most unbelievable track that Bob has ever seen. The road surface is perfect and the surrounding landscape is magnificent. The stands are massive and line the entire circuit. Barriers are placed way back from the track and lovely lush grass lies in between. Air bags line the circuit to catch any errant bike or rider. It’s a perfect setting.

    “Wow, this is unreal. Will I be able to watch bike racing?” says Bob.
    “If you wish Bob, but come with me….there is more!” says St Peter.

    St Peter takes Bob into the pits. The pit garages are huge, fantastically modern and brilliantly clean. Each garage is fully equipped with tools and monitors and computer banks. Bob walks along pit lane looking in. He sees bikes of every make…. Honda, Yamaha, Suzuki, Aprilla, Ducati….The bikes are immaculate, fully prepared race machines. All are sitting on stands with tyre warmers on, ready to go. Mechanics stand at attention at the back of the garage dressed in team colours. Bob looks at each one in awe as he walks slowly along.

    Then Bob stops, here in the garage in front of him is a beautiful green ZX10R racing Kawasaki. “Wow this is beautiful,” says Bob with a tear in his eye “Can I have a look at this one?”.

    “You can do more than that Bob…..it’s yours…take it out….” says St Peter. “Get used to the bike and prepare yourself. We understand that your a talanted rider and you never got your chance on earth to prove it so we have organised a big race for you this Sunday. I'll be your team manager. All the best riders from history who have made it into heaven will be here to race you."

    The grin on Bob’s face is huge. “Wow....your kiddin....I get to race the best.....and I get to ride this bike...yeeeeeehaaaaa....this really is heaven.”

    Bob looks over and a mechanic is coming forward with a new set of leathers with Bob’s name written on it, another with a helmet, boots and gloves. Other mechanics are busy preparing the bike. Bob slips into his leathers and the bike is started. The sound is huge and vibrates every bone in his body.

    “It’s the big bang engine, you will love this” shouts a mechanic near him. Bob gets his helmet on and walks to the bike. The mechanics take the warmers off and Bob mounts the beast, his heart racing.

    “This is awesome,” he shouts and then he clicks his machine smoothly into gear and heads out of the garage. The bike feels fantastic as he guns it onto the track. The power is huge, he feels the back tyre light up….

    ”ooooooooooh yeahhhhhhhhhhh” Bob screams into his helmet.

    The track is brilliant....it feels so grippy, so smooth.....so perfect. Bob does a few laps then heads back in. St Peter is waiting for him at his garage.

    “That was brilliant, the best thing I have ever been on, it handles perfectly, the track is absolutely awesome, it has every corner and turn and hill and crest you could ever want in a race track. I was really enjoying that…"

    "Good" says St Peter "but you really need to get ready for the race, I have waged a few pennies on you to win so we need to get you circulating pretty quick"

    “Alrighty then. This is gunna be big….watch this!!!”

    Out Bob goes again .......really hard this time. He's gettin' so low that he's scraps his elbows on the ground, he backs the bike into corners and pours the power on, the back wheel is spinin' like crazy, smoke pours off ..........but all of a sudden, he high sides and he's is shot into the air. Bob feels like everything is happening in slow motion. He looks down and he’s real high…. “eew, this is gunna hurt”. But invisible hands take hold of his arms and glide him gently to the ground.

    There’s a mechanic waiting in a buggy at the edge of the track to take Bob back to the pits. “Your times are real quick and St Peter is real happy with your form. We can still get more out of the bike for you, we have the telemetry recorded and the new bike has being set up to suit you....It'll be ready when we get there. St Peter reckons' the opposition is gunna have a hard time beatin' you. He hasn't been this happy in ages”, says the mechanic with a huge grin on his face.

    Bob arrives back at the pits and sure enough the mechanics are hard at it preparing another mean green machine.

    "Sorry about the bike St Peter"
    “It doesn’t matter Bob, you can’t hurt yourself or the bike…. this is heaven….you can ride as hard as you like, you can crash…it doesn’t matter…your really doin' great….”

    Bob hops on with a new determination. He is gunna ring every last bit outta this machine and use his skills to dominate the track.

    St Peter slaps him on the back. "Your doin' great son....I got myself a real rider.....can't wait to dust 'em all this weekend."

    Bob heads back out. He smokes the back tyre and leaves a long black line leading onto the track. He lays down lap after lap at a blistering pace. Finally he feels that he has achieved his best and he settles into smooth flowing pace.

    Out of the corner of his eye he catches a glimpse of something moving off the track. He sits up and looks towards the pits. He sees a huge “B” double transporter pulling in. He continues to circulate but his attention is drawn to what’s going on. Another lap and he sees the mechanics are busy in the garage. The team has all the colourings, markings and looks of the Yamaha factory racing team. Bob is amazed.....whats going on??? Bob looks next lap as a bike is prepped in the garage. Next lap he sees the Yamaha factory bike exiting pit lane as he passes. Next thing he hears a bike loaming up behind him. He looks round and sees a number 46 factory Yamaha roaring towards him. It flashes past.

    “Gawd” he thinks, “that is unbelievable….it looks exactly like Valentino Rossi…I can’t believe this...what the hell is Rossi doin' here....don't tell me.....nooo can't be!!!”

    Bob makes his way back to the pits and pulls up beside St Peter who is watching the extremely fast Yamaha roar round the track.

    “St Peter, I can’t believe this…..is…..is ….that Valentino Rossi….don’t tell me Rossi has died and come to heaven. Do I have to race HIM on Sunday???”

    “Nah” St peter laughs, “that’s God, he just thinks he’s Valentino Rossi !!”
  2. man, i almost fell of my chair laughing, classic, absolutely classic :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
  3. Winner :p

    Good one Tack
  4. well that was funny