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Healthy Living

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by goodcruzn V4, Apr 11, 2008.

  1. Doctor.
    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
    waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
    Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like
    saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
    Want to live longer? Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
    and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
    So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
    vegetables to your system.
    Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
    (green leafy vegetable).
    And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
    allowance of vegetable products.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: Oh No! Not at all... Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
    that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
    more of the goodness that way.
    Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
    If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
    exercise program?
    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...

    Q: Are fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
    oil. In fact, they're permeated in
    it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
    should only be doing sit-ups if you wan t a bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy?? HELLO - Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
    best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
    food and diets.
    And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
    of arriving safely in an
    attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
    Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
    body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
    It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
    than Americans.
    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
    than Americans.
    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of fatty sausages and
    suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills