What do you get when you're gay? Made fun of. ----- How do you drown a blonde? Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling. ----- Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? Repeated absences and stealing. ----- A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral." ----- Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field. ----- A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell. "I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate. "What is it?" "Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back." The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to **** him. Savagely. ----- A man walks into a bar He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life. ----- Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls over and breaks his leg on a tree root. In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an ambulance!". Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ". ----- Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work? He was weird. ----- A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law." ----- Knock knock Who's there? The wallet inspector! Ditch the jokes and come inside, Tim, it's f**king cold. ----- A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family. ----- What's worse then finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust. ----- Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear. ----- A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life. When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't." ----- What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadilliac going over a cliff? They were my friends. ----- Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water. The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into comitting sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith. ----- Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Because she was blind and deaf. ----- Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? She was a schizophrenic ----- How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. ----- A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "I said 'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress'," says the girl, this time louder. ----- A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm all out of tunafish." So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan." But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of tunafish." The guy frustrated, yells, "I WANT A CEILING FAN!" The customer, now irate, realizes that the salesman was actually a mentally impaired vagrant who had wandered into the store. ----- Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth. ----- These three guys are in a bar, and they're pretty well smashed. First guy turns to the second guy and goes "you know, there's a building by here with some weird wind currents. You jump off the roof, fall nearly to the ground, then the updrafts catch you and carry you safely to the roof again." Second guy says "bullshit, that's a lie." First guy goes "okay, asshole. Bet you fifty bucks that I'm right." The second guy agrees, and they go off to the roof in question. During the walk to the building, the second guy's head clears a bit, and he figures out why the first guy's blue, red, and yellow costume with big red cape looked so familiar. He calls the bet off.