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Getting Old!

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by Tweetster, Aug 4, 2009.

  1. Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Batemans Bay, doing nothing.
    One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
    The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
    The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
    The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
    After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'


    Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Syd. reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

    The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

    The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.


    Two elderly people living in ACT, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

    The two were at the same table, across from one another. A s the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

    After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'

    The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

    He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

    First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. A s he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

    He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, ' A nd I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    A man was telling his neighbor in Cooma , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

    'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

    'Twelve thirty.'

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Newcastle to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

    A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

    'Just doing what you said, Doc : 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful.'',Morris replied.

    To which doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Nowra , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
    After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
    The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
    'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids