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fursday funny - men and women

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by ronin11, Sep 13, 2007.

    Smart man + smart woman = romance

    Smart man + dumb woman = affair

    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


    Smart boss + smart employee = profit

    Smart boss + dumb employee = production

    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
  2. thats great :LOL:
    absolute gold so heres one back :wink:

    When having trouble finding the right tool for the job in
    the workshop, here are a few definitions to help everyone make the
    right choice next time they go to do a job.

    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
    kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the
    object we are trying to hit.

    Mechanic's Knife:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
    delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing
    convertible tops or tonneau covers.

    Electric Hand Drill:
    Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die
    of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes
    in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the
    rear axle.

    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
    transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
    more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future

    Aviation Metal Snips:
    See Hacksaw.

    Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also
    be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    Oxyacetelene Torch:
    Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep
    hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think
    to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid
    for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

    Zippo Lighter:
    See oxyacetelene torch.

    Whitworth Sockets:
    Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now
    used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who
    would throw them away for no good reason.

    Drill Press:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
    out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
    across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over
    the bench grinder.

    Wire Wheel:
    Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
    workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
    hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say,
    "Django Reinhardt".

    Hydraulic Floor Jack:
    Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set
    of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly
    under the front air dam.

    Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4:
    Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

    A tool for removing wood splinters.

    Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic
    floor jack.

    Snap-On Gasket Scraper:
    Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used
    mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

    E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor:
    A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
    known drill bit.

    Timing Light:
    A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft

    Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist:
    A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and
    hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

    Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver:
    A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately
    machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

    Battery Electrolyte Tester:
    A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the
    inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a
    doornail, just as you thought.

    Trouble Light:
    The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a
    good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise
    found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to
    consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
    shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of
    the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    Phillips Screwdriver:
    Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
    splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round
    off Phillips screw heads.

    Air Compressor:
    A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200
    miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to
    a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last
    tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds
    them off.