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Funny stories...

Discussion in 'The Pub' started by MREVOX, Jun 5, 2009.

  1. So, one thing I tend to do when I meet people is regale them with some funny true stories from my life. So I thought I'd share here and encourage anyone with stories in the same vein to contribute :)

    In fact, weird things (like in the following story) have happened to me quite frequently - and I plan on one day making a movie out of the combined experiences.

    Here we go:

    I went to the local train station to buy a weekly ticket to work (St. Leonards). I bought the ticket and went on my way. The next morning at the St. Leonards train station ticket barriers, I wasn't permitted exit from the station. On checking my ticket, they had sold me a weekly to the City (same price, so I didn't realise.)

    That night, I go to the local train station ticket office to plead my case and try to get my ticket replaced with the right one. I'm promptly told "no refunds" and have to buy a ticket between the City and St. Leonards... annoying.

    Anyway, by this time, it's around 7pm and it's very dark out... and I begin the walk from the station home.

    Walking up through a corner just past the station near a block of flats, I see a figure on the other side of the road. "Excuse me, what time is it?". I don't wear a watch, so I look down and reach into my pocket and retrieve my phone.

    It was like one of those horror movies, you know, where someone/something is really far away... you look somewhere else for just a second and then back and *it* is right up close?

    I notice three things:

    1) This woman is rather large
    2) She is missing quite a fair amount of teeth
    3) She is holding a longneck obscured by a brown paper bag (btw, what's the point of the brown paper bag - everyone knows what it is)

    I reply, "It's 7.15pm" (in fact, I remember this incident so well.... that was the actual time).

    She replies in a gruff, bogan accented voice "Can I push the friendship, and ask for a cigarette?"

    "I don't smoke", I say, before beginning to walk away.

    I swear, without a word of a lie, she looks me up and down, head to toe and says "So... are ya single?"

    Surprised and panicked, I actually uttered the word "Yes" before gasping and quickly saying "Um, I've gotta go now" and walking (read: running) briskly up the road to safety.

    But it wasn't over.

    About 200m away from the lovely lady, I faintly hear her bellow toward me the now famous words (at least to me and all I have told this story to) - "CAN I HAVE YA NUMBA LUV?!"
  2. Dude, Fail, what you have to do in that situation is give her your mates number! :grin:
  3. So when is the engagement party?
  4. I had a similar experience (minus the train ticket, the cigarrettes, and, well pretty much everything except the large horny woman).

    I was walking home from Coogee Bay Hotel about 1am, and a large woman jumps out of a cab on the opposite side of the road wearing hiking shorts and combat boots.

    She shouts to me "you got the time"
    and I say back "about quarter past 1"
    and she then adopts a horse stance (a-la karate) and starts gyrating her hips and rubbing herself and says "are you horny"
    I just kept walking. Incidentally I was horny, but not THAT horny.
  5. :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: all too funny!!
  6. Roaster... maybe it was the same "woman". Too funny.

    Another time, I was at a NYE party at a mate's house (his parental units were away).

    There were about 30 people in attendance, and it was a very boring time. Someone had brought fireworks with them, and someone suggested that one be thrown down a small PVC drain at the back of the house. Did I mention how boring this party was?

    So everyone gathers around as a small, waterproof bunger was thrown down the drain.

    We all listened to the hiss of the fuse fade away to nothing as it fell down into the depths. We waited with baited breath.

    Moments later, a dull thud is heard and a tiny splash of water emanates from the top of the drain.

    Everyone sighs with disappointment and slowly starts to shuffle off... that is, until a rushing sound is heard - immediately followed by a turd and a spray of water shooting out of the drain and 10 feet into the air.

    Everyone rushed away from ground zero in an effort not to be struck by a particle of something resembling a Picnic chocolate bar. It was almost in slow motion. The dude with the fireworks stumbled back, mouth open, watching in horror as the turd soared through the air.

    Luckliy, the bulk of the offending fecal matter landed without making impact to anyone... or did it?

    Shortly after the incident, I noticed a mate make a bee-line inside the house. Months later, he revealed to me, "Some of it landed on my head. I went inside to wash it off. Don't tell anyone!"
  7. I'm only ever approached by beautiful women in their early 20's... or little old ladies who need something from the top shelf at the supermarket.
  8. Had to revive this (even though it never really got to life anyway) for something I was told today...

    My Mum was driving the dog to the vet for grooming yesterday... when she notices a guy walking along the street - early/mid 20's. He's staggering around slightly.

    As she drives past, his jacket moves and reveals he has a massive, raging mongrel going on in his dacks... which he has grabbed a hold of and is swinging around like a sword.

    I said it would have been a better story if he was making light sabre sounds. Zhhooommm, vvaaaawhooooom, pssht, brravhooom...

    I guess this is what we get for living in Campbelltown :LOL: :LOL:
  9. My sister was born profoundly deaf. When she had a cochlear implant at a young age, she finally heard everything in what must have seemed like 5.1 at the time. Virtually fcuk-all through hearing aids for 6 or seven years and then wham, sounds a plenty.

    That night, still wide-eyed from the new world she discovered she farted getting ready for a shower and turned to mum, mortified.

    "It makes a sound?"
  10. I have a close friend working on secondment from Canberra in a very senior government position in Papua-New Guinea.

    Most of the really funny stories he sends I can't actually post because it would cause more than a little embarassment and he'd be in deep sh1t.

    But this one is one of the all time classics! :LOL:

    ...As I watched the security checking people boarding another flight, I thought to myself that this is just another example of people going through the motions because “that’s what whitey tells us we have to doâ€.

    I decided to test my theory. I borrowed Kylie's new bilum(bag), went back outside the airport and bought a very nice stone axe, which I then smuggled past the guards into the waiting room. When our flight was called, I simply carried it on board the aircraft, again using Kylie's new bilum, pleasantly smiling at the security people as they supposedly checked our tickets and our gear. I put my axe in the overhead locker and settled down to enjoy the trip with a big smile on my face! Oh, Air Niugini, how shonky you are!

    Kylie took a photo of me outside Port Moresby airport holding my nice new axe. But I suspect my effort was not so unusual; as you walk into the Port Moresby domestic terminal, there is a sign that says: “Passengers, Guns and Ammunition, This Wayâ€! And I kid you not, but when I last went through security in International, a fellow in front of me took out his hand gun, put it in the plastic tray and put it through the x-ray machine! As you do! Don't ask me! I simply collected my belongings and caught my plane!
  11. Genuinely laughed out loud, 1/4Wit. That is classic :LOL:
  12. Thanks for telling us that. I am going to Papua-New Guinea for 2 weeks, leaving in under a month. Makes me just a bit more nervous about going. I wonder if I can ask my boss for danger money for going there.
  13. Some more extracts from some of the PNG Stories Stu!

    I think you'll find it a bit different. PM me your email address and I'll send you some of the better stories that I can't post.

    Driving. An interesting experience! PNG is known as the land of the unexpected and that is indeed what you can expect on the roads. For a start, there are no street signs; these have all been removed by enterprising individuals and sold for scrap! No stop signs, no speed limit signs, nothing, except the protruding metal where the sign had once been!
    PMV’s (small buses) and taxis are equally hazardous but for different reasons; taxis tend to go very slowly looking for passengers, then shoot across three lanes for a fare, while PMV’s are a law unto themselves, pulling out into the traffic and wandering all over the road as they see fit.


    Connecting the port and Waigani is the Poreporena Freeway.. This is a significant bit of engineering effort and involves a very steep cutting through the hills separating the two districts.

    From time to time vehicles are not capable of making it up the hill, nor are their brakes capable of stopping them from sliding back down the hill, which can make life interesting for other road users. In such cases, another useful trick is to find rocks to put under the wheels to stop the vehicle moving; of course, when you get going again, you simply leave the rocks on the road, again making life interesting for other road users!


    Driving to Goroka - Halfway up, I come across a very slow Highway Patrol vehicle, so I do what anybody else would do in PNG, I overtake it on double yellow lines and keep going!!
  14. Uncle was a property manager for a company in PNG who's name I forget - they manage the only highrise in the country among other properties.

    In this highrise one of the higher floor units had a fire but they managed to put it out along with the buildings containment system. So my uncle goes into overdrive and organises the total refit of the unit. This is all completed in record time. It looked great, as new and everyone was proud of the response and had a opening party for the whole building in this unit. It wasn't until the next day that people found that the fire had melted the pipes between levels and thus all the units below had enjoyed the aftermath of raw sewage and water from the party.

    I went up there for a bit of a holiday once, flew out to a village and lived on pepsi, spam and rice for a week. On the flight back to Port Morseby when the small single engine plane was bouncing around in the air before landing I couldn't contain the contents of my stomach any longer - I projectile vomited down the back of the bench seat in front of me and the floor. I remember the vomit was a fluro pink colour and it sloshed towards the front of the plane on the descent and back to the luggage at the rear of the plane on landing. Everyones shoes and bags were covered in it - however I managed to sneak away before the lynch mob was formed.
  15. That's a genuine classic.

  16. Another one for the movie...

    Walking up to the shopping centre with a mate today... We're crossing the food court, when we spot a rotund woman in leopard print and pleather, sporting makeup that can only be described as an industrial cosmetic incident...

    Mate and I look at each other, "oh god, how did this happen?"

    We continue on to lunch.

    Later, walking back from the shopping centre, here she is at the bus stop, loudly singing along to the music I presume she is listening to through her headphones... In a gruff voice, and loud enough to hear from the other side of the road - over the traffic and people walking around everywhere "I'm gonna miss you for the rest of my liiiiiiiiiiiife... All I need is a miracle... All I need is you..."

    Why do I attract them all? lol
  17. :rofl:
    Keep the stories coming
  18. I spent seven of the more interesting years of my working life working for Brown Coal Liquefaction (Victoria) in Morwell. This was an R&D project to set up a pilot plant for turning brown coal into oil (more specifically - petrol).

    Japanese funded and managed, we in IT shared an office during the construction phase with the development and research engineers (mainly Japanese) and a couple of Australian chemists.

    One day this new engineer turned up (Yoji) looking like the quintessential geek. Tall with a crew cut, pants a bit too short and white socks etc. etc. (and very loud).

    Come Friday of his first week someone asked him what he was doing for the weekend. He replied "I am going to Phillip Island to see Penguins".

    Ken (one of the chemists (and a Katana rider - obligatory motorcycle content there) asked where he was staying.

    "I am staying at Ambassador Motel" (in those days it was one of the more upmarket places on the Island)

    "Where are you having Dinner, Yoji?"

    "I will probably eat at Motel Restaurant".

    "In that case you should ask for the Penguin Sushi".

    At this point ears prick up all around the office - especially from those engineers who have been here for a while and gotten to know the place.

    "Reayy" says Yoji (much sage nodding, mutterings of "Ah So Desu Ka" and concealed grins from other engineers".

    Ken says "You have to ask for it, it's not on the menu and it's very expensive. If they say they don't have it you must insist".

    More nodding in agreement from all of us.


    Monday morning - in storms Yoji.

    "YOU ARE BASTARD" he shouts to the whole office (but particularly Ken).

    We got the whole story from the guys with him. After going to see the penguins he and the others went and had several whiskies before dinner. They went into dinner and Yoji of course asks for the penguin sushi and gets the expected reply. "Sorry sir, we don't do that".

    Yoji does the nudge, nudge wink, wink routine and pulls out his wallet and offers a fist full of cash. He gets the same reply.

    After a minute or so he's apparently standing up insisting the "I WILL have penguin sushi - I have been told this!"

    At this point just prior to the cops being called the rest of them quietly explain it's a joke... :LOL:

    He sulked for the next month. By the time the project finished and he went home he'd actually become very friendly with all of us - he got his own back a little at his farewell party where heserved up some "interesting" obscure Japanese delicacies...

    Other Yoji story.

    We'd hired a female programmer and Yoji didn't entirely approve of this. He came to me one day with about 10,000 lines of source code printed out saying that he had a program which had stopped working and could I get Les (the programmer) to sort it out for him.

    She had a look at it and made a few rude remarks about "bloody engineers who think they can write software" then proceeded to sort it out. It was FORTRAN calling all sorts of COBOL and Assembly language subroutines. A total dogs breakfast in other words.

    A few days later she came to me and said it was working (and about half the size of the original). I told Yoji and he went very quiet, said thank you and went away.

    I later heard from one of the other engineers that it had never worked and that he thought that this would be a good way to embarass this woman since women were useless at thinking logically.

    Actually what was the best bit of all was listening to her explain to an increasingly embarassed Yoji why you should not abbreviate the word "count" by omitting the "o". :LOL: